


Bubble Burst

by pinboo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Co-workers, F/M, One Night Stands, Romance, fluff in general but with angst in the middle, no actual smut though kiddos but there will be some sexual innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-03-01 15:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13297596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinboo/pseuds/pinboo
Summary: The thing they had was far from ideal. It was momentary, alternative, everything that neither would miss if it was lost. But then again, the only way to save each other was to fall into the pit together.An Oikawa/Shimizu work!life fanfiction of substitutive one-night stands and their extensions.





	1. The Un-Fated

**Author's Note:**

> I always join a fandom too late, it seems. But I don’t care. Oikawa x Shimizu is just too cute and feel-inducing so I just have to write a fanfic for them a.k.a I just need to see my ship sail.

* * *

**_(1) and if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky one_ **

 

After the blast of teen spirit the Karasuno team carried back then in high school, at 23, what Shimizu Kiyoko wanted in life was nothing extraordinary, really.

 

She wanted to buy two new tea cups to match the pot she received from Yachi. She wished that the legal division would send her the third draft of the distributorship agreement by 2.30 pm so that she could study it and go back to her apartment by 6 pm. She hoped that her manager would grant her a two-day leave so that she could visit her hometown again for her mother’s birthday.

 

Bigger dreams? Nothing of that sort. She just wanted to have a decent work that would allow her to pay the bills. She wanted to get married before she reached 28 (still five years ahead, plenty of time) to a good, average guy and have a maximum of two children, preferably girls, but boys would be fine too.  The usual, really.

 

Those were the things she wanted. Maybe not necessarily the things she needed, but then again, one could not yearn for something she did not know she needed anyway.

 

* * *

 

 **_(2) dead hearts are everywhere_ ** **  
**

 

“Shimizu-san, are you free tonight?”

 

Shimizu stopped typing on her keyboard and glanced up at her co-worker. The name was not important. She knew his name of course (she was actually very good in remembering peoples’ names), but it was just one among the dozens who had the actual balls to ask her out.

 

“No, I don’t have any plan yet.”

 

“Ah, I see,” he noted, and the way his eyes lit up almost made her feel apologetic. “I-if it’s alright, would you like to have a dinner with me tonight? At that restaurant in front of the station?”

 

“I’m sorry,” she killed the hope instantly. “But I think I must decline. Thank you for the offer, though,” she muttered and gave a sincerely apologetic bow. Cut it clean –she did not even have to say the reason, but she needed to play it polite still. Most of the times she just ignored these invitations flatly, but technically speaking, it would not do any good to have a discord with a co-worker.

 

The man chuckled helplessly, but hey, at least he tried.

 

 

* * *

 

**_(3) fast forward to the restart, turn it up_ **

 

She did not always spit ice nor speak daggers, despite the Ice Queen nickname she knew she had secretly earned. Some people actually were her soft spots. Those types tended to be the idiots, like those boys from the Karasuno Volleyball Team.

 

But people around here were rarely idiots. It was an office far from her hometown; it was the headquarter of one of Japan’s top five pharmaceutical company. Professional, curt, necessary, distanced… and Shimizu played her part well. Not that she complained; idiot crows like Karasuno team were surely a warm thing to remember, but life went on. She went on. Had to. It was part of the deal of growing up, she guessed.

 

All that was necessary, and she reminded herself again that that time (that _golden,_ adrenaline-rushing, elevating time) had ended.

 

It was sad at times, but not something she would despair over. No. Not even the flash of the could have been –no, not at all.

 

* * *

**_(4) it’s only right you should play the way you feel it_ **

 

“Manager-chan! Wanna go back home together tonight?”

 

Shimizu stopped typing on her keyboard and glanced up at her co-worker. The name was not actually important, but it had been at one point –at least to Kageyama and the rest of the Karasuno team. She knew his name of course. This name had at least one page of analysis and statistics on her managerial notebook back then in high school.

 

One package of toothpaste-commercial-worthy grin and extremely sociable persona in the name of Oikawa Tooru.

 

 _No, I don’t want to go back home together,_ she thought.

 

But unlike the others, the rejection was useless at this situation –where Oikawa Tooru was not only a co-worker in the same company but also the occupant of the apartment room next to her. She could practically reject the offer and he would still walk in the same direction at approximately the same time as well (the best time to take the train in this station was 7.45 pm).

 

“It makes no difference, Oikawa-san,” so she instead said.

 

“Okay! Confirmed! 7.30 in front of the station, as usual, okay?” he declared in high spirit. Shimizu swore she could hear her seatmate sighed in envy.

 

Taking another less convenient train time would just show that it indeed made a difference, and Shimizu did not want to grant Oikawa the privilege of a different treatment. He could go home at any time, with or without him, she did not care. She just had to proceed with her usual timetable, whether he tailed after her or not.

 

7.30 at the station, and Shimizu did not look back when Oikawa was calling for her name.

 

* * *

**_(5) and let me play among the stars_ **

 

It had always been that way ever since they enrolled into this company six months ago.

 

Except on Friday nights, where Oikawa took the train to the nightlife area direction and Shimizu took the train to her usual apartment where only the dull and the doom greeted her.

 

* * *

**_(6) so I will say hello to the ground again_ **

 

Oikawa liked to claim it was fate: the fact that Shimizu and him were not only same-batch trainees in this pharmaceutical company but also same-apartment neighbors.

 

Shimizu liked to rebut the notion. It was not fate; there was a somewhat logical reasoning behind it. Sure, getting into the same company was quite a surprising fact. But this company was on the top of the list of any college graduate job-seekers –point being, any college graduate would try applying there. The company also had a policy to accept any cum-laude graduates from a Grade A colleges, and both Shimizu and Oikawa were entitled for that.

 

As to the residential arrangement, the apartment was only 5-minute walk to the nearest station with only 170 Yen per trip, decent for any solo lodger, and was within the most appropriate budget line any fresh graduates could afford. Shimizu even spotted some of the people working in the same company renting the rooms in this apartment building too.

 

So really, not fate or anything. Shimizu liked to classify it as a highly unfortunate coincidence nevertheless.

 

* * *

**_(7) ‘cause I get a thousand hugs (from ten thousands lighting bugs)_ **

 

When her superior eventually granted her the two-day leave for her mother’s birthday back to the Miyagi Prefecture, Shimizu made the time to meet with the old group from Karasuno.

 

Always the loud idiots, the team was ecstatic when the ‘Cold Beauty Tokyo Girl’ (her new nickname –invented by no other than Nishinoya and Tanaka) joined the apparently regular third Saturday monthly meeting. Among the crows, Shimizu was apparently the only one spreading her wings outside of Miyagi, and the Karasuno folks made no waste of time filling her with the information and gossips the little town offered.

 

The gossips of which, were actually plentiful even in only six-month time span since she left it.

 

It was easy to follow up at first. The names were still familiar; the issues were still relatable. The boys made sure that Shimizu was to be privy of everything that had occurred in her absence.

 

But on the second hour, new names popped up, unfamiliar occurrences were told. She never recalled Yasuka from the fifth floor and she did not understand the underlying history behind the supposedly hilarious story of Ennoshita and the laundry girl from around the corner. At times like this, it was advantageous being a quiet person really. The drawback would not feel too visible.

 

One person was sensible (always sensible) enough though.

 

“What about you, Shimizu?” Sugawara, who sat on the chair right in front of her, asked.

 

The eyes of the boys on that long table were now directed back at her. This startled her a little, but Shimizu learned the art of stoic-ness ever since she passed kindergarten. “What about me?” she echoed; recalling that she had shared her own brief summary of life in the past six months ( _“Where do you work now, Shimizu-san?_ ” – _“Toda Co._ ” – _“Really? That’s cool! What does it feel like? How are Tokyo people? Do they really work until two in the morning?”_   – _“Not much difference from any other company, I guess.”_ –two or three exchange of conversation after, and the story was shifted to Hinata).

 

“I just remember this now. Toda Co, Tokyo Headquarter, right? I work with someone in Aoba Johsai now, and he told me that one of them also got accepted into Toda Co,” Suga fished naturally.

 

“Oh,” Shimizu noted. “He must have meant Oikawa-san.”

 

The shock of the others (Kageyama actually even stared at her with such high interest for the first time that was not admiration in naming) was translated into another series of questions bombardment. Shimizu tackled these easily –saying that she did not know much and they were in different divisions were sufficient to silence them. Certainly, the little detail on how he was also her apartment mate was not necessary to fuel the fire even more.

 

“Speaking of him, he really retired from volleyball on the third year of college, didn’t he?” Daichi mentioned.

 

“Really? The Grand King?” Hinata exclaimed and Kageyama only averted his eyes. “No wonder I didn’t get to spar with him again in the prefectural tournament.”

 

“Yeah, permanent knee injury was one of the rumors. Others just mentioned that he took his academic life in college more seriously due to family pressure,” Daichi shrugged. “Well. Not unexpected. Not all of us here even still play volleyball in college.”

 

The topic stopped there, and Shimizu was glad it did.

 

* * *

**_(8) ‘cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles (if I can just see you tonight)_ **

 

She took the shinkansen back to Tokyo Saturday evening. Sugawara accompanied her until the train gate.

 

“Safe trip, Shimizu.”

 

“You too, Suga.”

 

He grinned. “I’m not really going anywhere.”

 

Her eyes narrowed behind her glasses. She nearly let the burst slip of her lips ( _that he was the one who –nevermind_ ), but she just pressed her lips tighter and bowed in gratitude for his time. She was about to hand the ticket officer her shinkansen ticket when Sugawara called for her again.

 

“Shimizu.”

 

She turned around.

 

Summer and hot, Suga had no excuse to wear any coat; had no pockets to hide his anxious hands in. But Shimizu’s eyes were locked to his eyes and she would probably never notice his sweating hands anyway.

 

“I… don’t want you to hear it from anyone else,” he began and she already knew where this was going. “But I…I’m getting married to Sanae next year..”

 

 

* * *

**_(9) should I just keep chasing pavements?_ **

 

And only when the shinkansen was halfway back to Tokyo did Shimizu realize she had not really congratulated Suga on the news.

 

* * *

**_(10) but baby we can fix it overnight_ **

 

“Oh, you’re back!” Oikawa commented when they met on the ground floor –waiting for the elevator together. His eyes quickly took note of the travel bag she was carrying and he conversed, “Heard you took a two-day leave? Out-of-town trip?”

 

“Yes.” Shimizu replied mechanically. Her mind had not really been there and Oikawa peering at her curiously was the least of her concern.

 

“That’s nice,” Oikawa commented and the elevator door rolled opened. He picked up her travel bag so naturally Shimizu did not even have the time to realize it even _if_ she had been in the right state of mind. Stepping in, he waited for her to enter the elevator before he pressed their designated floor. “Back to Miyagi?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Someone’s married?” he asked again; nosy, privy, almost supernaturally intuitive –that was Oikawa for you. “Usually that’s what called for the long trip back to hometown.”

 

“No. Just my mother’s birthday,”

 

“Oh, happy birthday to your mother! Must be a gorgeous woman if she gives birth to a goddess like –“

 

“– and a little reunion with the Karasuno volleyball team I knew I shouldn’t have attended.”

 

There was no point, purpose, nor benefit of telling Oikawa ( _of all people_ ) that. By the time Shimizu took notice of the slip-up, the elevator had reached their floor and Oikawa was pressing the door hold button and staring at her.

 

“All’s fine?”

 

For a second, Shimizu could not answer fast enough. But then she picked her travel bag and walked out of the elevator. “Yes, thank you for asking. And good evening, Oikawa-san.”

 

“I was actually supposed to have some drinks but my friends bailed out,” Oikawa informed Shimizu (or her back, whichever). “So if you’re free and you want to accompany me for some drinks, I’ll wait at the lobby. You can put your travel bag first in your room.”

 

“No, I –“

 

“Oh, no pressure,” assured Oikawa; still with a grin that showcased his ridiculously white teeth. “If in five minutes I do not see you in the lobby, I’ll just buy some cheap sakes from the convenience store and drink in my room,” he noted, and his eyes narrowed almost slyly. “Feel free to join the second option as well.”

 

****

* * *

**_(11)_ ** **_like the sheets that we stained with wine from the liquor mart_ **

 

Shimizu chose the first option.

 

 

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

 

Song list:

1\. Youth – Daughter  
2\. Dead Hearts – Stars  
3\. Restart – Little Daylight  
4\. Dreams – Fleetwood Mac  
5\. Fly Me to the Moon – Frank Sinatra  
6\. Grounds – Anton Vic  
7\. Fireflies – Owl City  
8\. A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton  
9\. Chasing Pavement – Adele  
10\. Overnight – Jake Miller  
11\. American Love - Wild

 


	2. First Beat

* * *

 

**_(12) when you’re hiding, we’re colliding_ **

 

Define Oikawa Tooru in one word, and it would be opportunistic.

 

The subtle discomfort of two members of the opponent team? Let’s confuse them and throw the ball in their middle. The old professor was having a difficulty climbing up the stairs?  He would suavely help her –the A+ score he got on his paper was both his studying effort _and_ the professor’s favor for him. The arrogant boy who always had lunch alone at the office cafeteria? He would eat with him twice a week and, no, it did not _really_ have anything to do with Oikawa’s secret knowledge of the boy’s status as the director’s nephew.

 

Running into one Shimizu Kiyoko who _almost_ perfectly hid the broken heart? Let’s invite her for a drink and test his luck that night.

 

Being an opportunistic was not a crime, Oikawa believed. The notion of it being a crime would only be spoken by the fools who only envied him for his natural talent of seizing the chance.

 

And Oikawa was anything but that kind of fool.

* * *

 

**_(13) while our blood’s still young_ **

 

The Izakaya they went to was noisy, but with people ignoring each other there, it made it easier for Oikawa to ensure Shimizu that ‘another glass won’t hurt’.

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll take you home safely,” he assured her; enjoying the alcohol-induced flush on her pale face. “I’m a responsible man. And while I may not seem like it, but I’m actually a good listener. So if there’s anything you want to say, Manager-chan, I’ll happily lend my ears. We’re colleagues and neighbors after all.”

 

She said nothing, and just continued to gulp down the cup of sake. _Conventional and traditional,_ he observed and mildly wondered whether her preferred sex position would correspond to the choice. Oh well, he could find it out later that night.

 

* * *

**_(14) you walked in just like smoke_ **

 

“Thank you for accompanying me for the drink, Oikawa-san. I really appreciate it,” she softly spoke by the door of her apartment; her posture was still amazingly straight after all those cups she dunked. Shimizu had got to be the best drinker he had ever met in his life, and that was not an exaggeration.

 

“No problem. You’ll be fine on your own?”

 

“Yes,” she said very convincingly. “Good night.”

 

And she softly closed the door of her flat in front of his face.

 

…

 

So it turned out that Oikawa did not find out about her preferred sex position that night.

 

 

* * *

**_(15) and I know she’ll be the death of me_ **

 

Not even for the next following weeks –which was incredulous. But that was okay. She must just have been shy. That did not bother him. No. Not at all. He was not affected at all.

 

* * *

**_(16) you are still on top, still a thrill_ **

Having a bruised ego once ( _twice,_ his high school memory cruelly reminded him) of such matter would never prevent Oikawa Tooru from being excellent in other things. There was never a thing such as ‘the legendary days’ for him. Legendary days implied that he had stopped being one. Oikawa battled the most of making his tomorrow self more gallant than the him yesterday.

 

Nine months in the company, and everyone knew who was to be named the most performing newbie of the company (and if this was only implicative, Oikawa would clarify it that yes, indeed it was _him_ ).

 

Of course, the higher he strived for the top, the more were there jealous peasants on the way.

 

He nearly found it hard to hide his grin when he managed to present the new PR strategy on the division’s monthly meeting. The mid-associate who stole his idea and presentation was left dumbfounded when Oikawa brought an even slicker advertising strategy that might boost the Kanto region’s sales by 4% –exceptionally impressive for a newbie standard.

 

Oikawa trusted few, and the best idea was always stored on top of his head. 

 

_Try a better move to sabotage me next time, jackass._

* * *

**_(17) and I can feel summers cry_ **

“I heard you’re a volleyball player back then in high school?”

 

It was in the middle of the scheduled weekly lunch together with Iku (the director’s nephew whom he got really genuinely close with. Probably one of the few male peers who did not have the motive to impair his professional record –with Iku’s position on top being secured already) when he brought up the issue.

 

Oikawa only slurped his ramen and in the middle of munching the carbs, he muttered, “…I was.”

 

“I heard we’re having an inter-branch sport competition next month. I am tasked to find additional people who would play –“

 

“You won’t want to count on me,” Oikawa interrupted. “I was only a substitute player even back then. I’m not too athletic actually. Just needed a club back then because that was the school’s regulation.”

 

“Hm. Finally something you kind of lack? Athleticism?”

 

Oikawa laughed it off. “Hey. Nobody’s perfect.”

 

He almost was.

 

 

* * *

**_(18) them good girls, straight masterpieces_ **

 

To be really honest (and this time he was honest. No bruised ego whatsoever) – Oikawa kind of forgot about Shimizu Kiyoko until one night around three weeks after they had a drink together.

 

His tie was loosened already, his shirt was tucked out and eye bags started to form under his eyes. He was not in his most presentable form, but hey, it was past one AM and he was still stuck in the office. Nobody was looking anyway. He was just taking the elevator down to the company archive room at the sixth floor when the elevator stopped at the tenth floor and Shimizu stepped in.

 

Skin still so beautiful without makeup, eyes still so dazzling –Oikawa was stammered when she stepped in. He straightened his posture immediately and quickly recollected himself. “You’re still at the office in such hour?” he asked as he intuitively ran fingers to brush his tousled brown locks.

 

Shimizu also looked mildly surprised. “Just finishing some stuffs,” she answered, and refrained her finger from pressing the floor number when she realized the intended button had been pressed. “You’re going to the archive room too?”

 

In the split of three seconds when Shimizu was distracted with the elevator button, Oikawa had managed to tidy up his appearance a bit. With a beam, he said, “Yes. Very hardworking, Manager-chan. You often have overtime work like this?”

 

“Only occasionally,” she responded. “You?”

 

 _Yes, for fucking four nights straight now._ “No.”

 

The elevator door rolled open and they walked out of the cubicle. Oikawa swiped his company ID card to open the access to the archive room. The company’s virtual dataroom was impressive, but the documents from thirty years ago were still in hard copies version only. “What document you’re looking for?”

 

“The distributorship contracts with Kaneda Enterprise,” she replied after she finished typing the keyword on the computer to find out the correct shelf.

 

“Ah. It’s related to the proposed agenda to re-establish the partnership with them, right? For the board meeting next week?”

 

“Yes. You’re looking for the same material as well?”

 

“Kaneda Project as well, but the pre-acquisition forecast documents.”

 

“Row D-3,” she informed the information she obtained from typing his keyword as well. “The documents I’m looking for are there as well.”

 

They were silenced in the process of collecting each of their respective documents. Shimizu did not seem to be bothered by the silence, but Oikawa was having a mental war not to imagine how _nice_ a quickie with one of the most beautiful women in the company in the secluded archive room would be. Damn. All these all-nighters made his filter lax.

 

Oh well, maybe he could just give it a shot.

 

“What time do you expect to be finished, Manager-chan?” Oikawa asked as casually as he intended. The proximity he allowed himself to be and the fact that he was leaning to whisper the question next to her ears were anything but casual, still, they were intentional. When Shimizu made no movement (not even one that would push him away from lurking behind her back like some ghost like that), he grew bolder and grabbed the tip of her shoulder-length hair and tweaked it between his fingers. “It would be very late and I don’t think it’ll be wise for you to walk home al –“ he stopped when she turned around, but with four big binders on her thin arms.

 

His flirting was dropped and incredulously he pointed at the documents and asked, “All those binders for this night? Are you intending to stay over in the office?”

 

“No,” she clarified, business-like. “All are in the same format. I just need to study the pattern of one and it would be quick to apply the same to the other three. And Oikawa-san, don’t worry, I’ll just take a cab back home later. You got your intended documents?”

 

The idea of seducing Shimizu Kiyoko must be flushed into the drain again. Oikawa was a bastard, and perhaps sex-crazed in his own way, but he wouldn’t have the heart to ruin a career for anyone, Shimizu included. Four binders at nearly two in the morning –even he pitied her. “Yeah,” he commented and showed her the one binder already set in his arm.

 

“Alright. Let’s lock this archive room,” she remarked as she headed first to the exit.

 

Oikawa sighed, and he followed Shimizu from behind before wordlessly, he took three of her binders and carried them for her.

 

“I can carry them,” Shimizu protested in between the little steps of chasing Oikawa to the elevator.

 

“Nuh, Manager-chan, please allow me. Just until we reach your desk,” he insisted as he pressed the elevator button to her floor instead.

 

She quieted down and eventually muttered her soft and curt gratitude after he placed the three binders on her desk. “Just to be safe, please call my landline when you’re finished. If I’m also already finished by then, maybe we can go home together.”

 

Shimizu did not say a word, but she eyed him rather…no, not accusatively, bordering that, but no. Whatever that look meant, Oikawa quickly added just to avoid the confusion, “As much as I’d love a side event, this would probably not be the best time. It’s just to share the cab fare. End of the month. Tight budget.”

 

He could almost see her shoulders relaxed, and she nodded.

 

“Alright.”

 

* * *

**_(19) head in the clouds, but my gravity’s centered_ **

 

They did share the cab back to their apartment, but nothing else happened.

 

Not that it mattered. Both were asleep during the ride home in the cab after all.

* * *

**_(20) can we be wrong tonight?_ **

 

In one year working in the company, Oikawa had slept with the _representative_ (come on, he was not that much of a beast) of nearly a third of the existing divisions: the receptionist, the accounting, the R &D, the PR, the sales, and the legal division. The latter division had two representatives on his little black book. One of which apparently was still engaged in a relationship with one of the most jealous and violent man he had ever met.

 

The said boyfriend beat him into a pulp and Oikawa’s sole wish was that his nose would not be bended because he liked his face the way it was now. He thought his hope was pretty justified –after all, he slept with that man’s girlfriend without the knowledge of the beau.

 

“Damn girl. Should have told me if she was off limit,” he grunted as he carried his body through the corridor towards his apartment room. He wished he still had ice cubes inside his refrigerator, because if not, not only he needed to walk to the convenience store by the station which would be totally exhausting, but embarrassing as well. He did not wish to have this state of appearance be known by even more people in the neighborhood.

 

But alas, the elevator door behind him dinged and his right next-door neighbor chose to return home at such time.

 

Shimizu’s eyes lingered decently curious at the state he was at. Oikawa would have grinned and brushed it off, but with the bruises on his face maybe grinning would make him look like an extended version of Joker or something. So he fumbled with his words instead. “I, er…”

 

She skipped the ‘ _Are you alright?’_ pleasantries and proceeded immediately to: “Do you need any help?”

 

Opportunity –but this one would need to be traded with his embarrassment. So Oikawa decided not to seize it. “It’s fine.”

 

She glanced at him rather skeptically. “Are you sure?”

 

“Yes,” he answered immediately. Bidding a quick farewell, Oikawa immediately pressed his access codes and closed the door. Slowly, he walked to his refrigerator and opened it.

 

The next two minutes, he found himself pressing the bell on Shimizu’s door and embarrassedly asked.

 

“Actually, do you have ice cubes?”

 

 

* * *

**_(21) don’t fight me now (‘cause you might need me later)_ **

 

Oikawa would really have settled himself with a pack of ice cubes and he would just treat his wound himself in his flat. So it really came as a surprise when Shimizu told him to wait in her living room while she got the ice cubes and first-aid kit.

 

“Please use these,” she said as she offered him the towel-wrapped ice cubes.

 

He looked up at her from his position sitting on her couch. Extending his arm to reach for the ice cubes he nodded and muttered a soft gratitude before he pressed the cooling material onto his face. He winced at the contact, and he kind of wished he could really see what his face looked like. But of course, asking Shimizu for a hand mirror would be out of question and –

 

“Let me see your wound,” Shimizu said as she seated herself in front of him.

 

“Huh?”

 

Before he could even react further, Shimizu had pried his hand away from the bruises on his jaw. The absence of the ice cold was not missed –not really, not when Shimizu’s fingers on his jaw were almost equally as cold. He stiffened, because as much as he wanted to have those fingers on his skin, Shimizu Kiyoko’s all-necessary gesture surprised him when he did not even dare to dream of it. It really did not help that he could smell the shampoo from her hair.

 

He was almost like a dog whose favorite food was laid in front of him but was forbidden to even sniff it back.

 

That hell of a temptation.

 

“Nothing seems to be dislocated,” she judged after a while. “I’ll put a folded bandage over your injuries before you can put the ice on them,” Shimizu said before she proceeded to carefully wash the blood off and spray some antiseptic on his skin.

 

“You…have no boyfriend who would be mad if you do this, right?” Oikawa asked when it was her fingers that touched his jaw instead of the bandage. Just to be sure. He did not want to be treated like this by the high school volleyball goddess just to be smacked back by her boyfriend again.

 

Oikawa thought he almost sensed the hesitation on her hand, but she dared herself to look at him and eventually answered.

 

“…No,” she said; her voice was tinted with something else that made him want to gulp.

 

He decided to brush it off with his trademark flirting. “Come on, that’s got to be a lie. A person as beautiful as you, Manager-chan? You just need to bat an eyelash and any boys will kiss the grounds you walk. Surely you can get anything that you want in life with that.”

 

The comment was harmless to him. Oikawa might have crossed a line, but even if he did, he wouldn’t have known. By the time he looked back at her, her icy cold eyes had been replaced by something else: a realization, a calculation. He still managed to catch the sight of her slightly parted pink lips and the little teeth that bit them.

 

Something went south just at the sight of it.

 

“Is this the way you play your game?” Oikawa managed to squeak after the hitch in his throat could be pushed out.

 

“What?” and the eyes that were shot at him were back to those cold ones.

 

“Nothing,” he quickly concluded and reminded himself that Shimizu was not like _him._ She was certainly not some animals who would jump at this opportunity of seducing the opposing sex. She had dedicated three years of her life being a manager of a team prone to injuries –of course things like these were natural call for her. And she was just helping a neighbor and nothing else.

 

“It’s done,” she announced suddenly, and it felt too fast for him. “You can continue to press the ice onto your jaw. Though with or without them, you will still have to come at work on Monday with a swollen face anyway. So it’s up to you.”

 

“Up to me?”

 

“You could go back to your room and continue to press the ice there,” she paused as she took off her glasses and for two justified seconds, he stared dumbfounded at the gorgeous grayish color of her eyes. “Or, you could use me.”

 

“Oh, I will just … wait, what?”

 

“Of course. That’s only if you allow me to you use you in return.”

 

Everything escalated way too quickly that the stutter that came out of his lips was really not fabricated.

 

“H-huh?”

 

* * *

**_(22) but we like it when we’re spinning (in his grip)_ **

****

Oikawa learned at least two things that night.

 

The first was the position she was good at. On top. Shimizu was definitely good on top. He did not know whether it was her preferred position normally, but knowing that she was good on top was a sufficient knowledge for the night.

 

The second was a name that she whispered when she looked straight at his eyes and recited the lies in her own head.

 

“… _Suga_.”

 

Ah.

 

So apparently Oikawas was not the only opportunist around.

 

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

 

Song List:

  1. Now and Then – Plasi
  2. Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap
  3. 66 – The Afghan Whigs
  4. Can’t Feel My Face – The Weeknd
  5. Atomic – She
  6. Unstable Boy – Feelds
  7. Uptown Funk – Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars
  8. Sweater Weather – The Neighborhood
  9. Find a Way – Safety Suit
  10. Bloodsport – Raleigh Ritchie
  11. Paradise Circus – Massive Attack



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, as you may see, the story will take different POV in every chapter: odd chapter for Shimizu, even chapter for Oikawa.


	3. Daredevil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not used to AO3 styling platform, do bear it with me.

 

* * *

****

**_(23) maybe redemption has stories to tell_ **

Though she never announced it out loud, Shimizu loved Karasuno Volleyball Team dearly. The _boys._ Silly, troublesome boys she felt obliged to watch over, and at the same time, the very same boys whom she could only watch upon in awe when they soared high to a place her eyes nearly could not follow.

 

In the context of a team, she loved them all equally. Kageyama was not more important than Sawamura just as much as Tsukishima did not need her attention more than Nishinoya. They were all unique, all different, and while they all qualified the terms ‘troublesome boys’, Shimizu learned that each had their own distinctive qualities that she took note of.

 

Like how Hinata was actually allergic to some types of foods (and she had to make sure no such menu was served during their special training session). Or how Tanaka always needed one-minute of holding a freshly-cleaned ball to his chest before the game started. Or how like how Sugawara occasionally helped her clip the washed towels onto the laundry strings that she could not reach.

 

But that was high school where she could treasure them all equally.

 

College began, and among the third-years, only Sugawara and her got into the same one.

 

They were not in the same faculty. And while he rolled over his volleyball career in college, Shimizu declined the opportunity of becoming a manager because she started to live by herself and she needed more part-time jobs to secure her life financially. When she believed they would be two stranded ex-schoolmates, Sugawara made sure that they still met up once every three months.

 

They did not meet up alone –sometimes there was Sawamura, other times there was Tanaka or Azumane when the latter was in the neighborhood. But after the quarterly reunion ended, it was always Suga who walked her alone to the train station. They did not talk much during the walk, but Sugawara was the type of person who did not make a silent walk uncomfortable.

 

It was always the subtle and unpronounced gestures, she thought. Like when Suga specifically accompanied her to the station when he did not even go to the same direction. Or like when he ordered her a meal and he knew exactly what she could not eat. Or like when Shimizu looked at him –just in time to see that he had been staring all along.

 

He never spoke it. She never spoke it either. But there was just this air of understanding, the air of acknowledgement. The silent and mutual shy glances and hidden blushes –the little games of probability; the comfortable companionship throughout college time, the little bubble that was unnamed but precious –so precious that Shimizu never dared to even touch it; fearing it would burst if she ever tried so.

 

* * *

 

**_(24) glow, like you can’t escape the rays_ **

 

That was Sugawara. The story of the supposedly blossoming college romance that never came true. Shimizu did not even realize that she was actually in love with him until that day –four months before graduation and Sugawara brought a girl named Sanae into their quarterly reunion whom he bashfully introduced as his girlfriend.

* * *

 

**_(25) all your love (is a lost balloon)_ **

Shimizu might not have really known what she truly wanted, but Kiyoko had.

 

Kiyoko was a dreamer. Kiyoko –a girl who was more naïve than her mature shell presented her to be – knew that she had wanted to be a doctor, but medical school was too expensive for her parents back then. Kiyoko had wanted to travel overseas and taste the culinary delicacies each country had to offer. Kiyoko had wanted to get married before she reached 30 –and not just with any good, average guy, but with Sugawara, because a part of her had been a hopeless romantic and Sugawara made her heart trembled like no other men had.

 

Shimizu was a realist though.

 

At the end of the day, it was not about achieving what she wanted, or what she needed; it was all about making use of whatever she got in her custody.

* * *

 

**_(26) may our hearts be full, like our drinks tonight_ **

 

Oikawa Tooru was not exactly what she got in her custody. That guy was slicker than an eel, and she doubted that type of person would ever be in anyone’s custody. Shimizu was not oblivious of his try-my-luck-to-get-her-laid attempts, but he probably performed that move on other girls as well. Under normal circumstances, Shimizu would not allow men like Oikawa to tick the box next to her name in his probably-existing to-do-list.

 

But it just so happened that Shimizu just had one of the worst ( _alright, let’s not play prim and proper, that was one of the shittiest_ ) Friday on her life. Sugawara was visiting Tokyo with his fiancée and Shimizu was morally obligated to take the couple for a little night sightseeing. And after she finally excused herself at ten pm to return to her abode ( _“Shimizu-chan, are you free tomorrow morning? It’s Saturday right? Koushi does not want to accompany me to Shibuya, would you kindly accompany me tomorrow_?), it also just so happened that her neighbor was having a shitty (and beaten up) day as well.

 

“Do you need any help?” Shimizu had asked, and at this point, it was only out of courtesy. People who treasured their faces like Oikawa seemed to have the biggest blow in his life when their visual was at stake. Even when he eventually rang the bell to her apartment to request for ice cubes, and even when she invited him in for treatment, Shimizu swore she had no any ulterior motive whatsoever. She would have asked him to leave after she finished bandaging his wound, but then Oikawa spoke.

 

_“…Surely you can get anything that you want in life with that_.”

 

…

 

What she wanted in life? What she wanted that was never hers to hold. She did not even really want to travel overseas anymore, and working in a big pharmaceutical company was quite a sufficient substitute to the childish dream of becoming a doctor.

 

(But she always wanted –)

 

_No, stop wishing for that one, Shimizu._

Biting her lips in an attempt to suppress her own invisible irritation, suddenly she just felt that what she wanted at the moment was to wipe that arrogant smirk on Oikawa’s face. Sugawara never had that kind of face. Sugawara would never push the wrong button (not intentionally, at least), and in that sense, would never be hers and –

 

– _if she could dream, and could imagine, and could momentarily blind herself of an intimate moment. Hallucinating could be easy, you know?_

It was not Oikawa that she had wanted to fuck, and Shimizu was determined to keep that image all night.

 

But to be honest, at one point, the image of Oikawa squirming in loss when her hands played around his nether region was quite a satisfying sight to behold.

 

Defeated, within her control, _pathetic…_

 

Shimizu did not have the heart to imagine Sugawara in that position.

 

And for that, a scumbag like Oikawa would suit the role.

 

* * *

 

**_(27) fuck you romance, i wanna pretend_ **

 

When Shimizu opened the door to her living room the next day, Oikawa was still snoring on her couch. There was no dread on her face or moments of ‘ _what the hell have I done_? _’_ moment. What happened the night before was an arrangement made within her consciousness, within her control. She decided to allow him more time to sleep, but she proceeded to her kitchen to make some tea for herself.

 

The cellphone that she laid on the pantry table buzzed slightly –indicating an incoming message.

 

_Kiyoko-chan, our schedule for Shibuya shopping today is still on, right? 10 am in front of the station?_

Shimizu glanced at the clock. 8.03 am. She did not really have anything to do that day, but it did not mean she wanted to meet Suga’s girlfriend and tried to assure her that the salem pink coat was better than the rose pink one. Shimizu thought she had played her part the night before; there was no need to extend it to that day.

 

_My deepest apology, Sanae-san. I just remember that I have made an earlier appointment with someone else at around the same time. I profusely apologize. But kindly let me know next time you’ll be in Tokyo. I’ll surely take you for some more shopping._

Sanae’s next text came quickly.

 

_You got a date?_

To save the arguments, Shimizu confirmed in the affirmative.

 

_Yes. I’m sorry._

_Oh, that would be fantastic actually! We can have a double date then!_

Shimizu wanted to clench her phone tighter. In an unspoken social rule, one did not simply propose that kind of idea to a person who already had another appointment. Well, Shimizu knew that such other appointment was nonexistent, but _come on,_ this girl should have gotten the underlying message.

 

_But we’ll be going quite farther away from Shibuya. We’re going to Odaiba._

Please, please, don’t say anything foolish again, please –

 

_Odaiba? The rainbow bridge? I’ve wanted to go there too! I can go to Shibuya tomorrow, so Odaiba for today would be nice. Do you prefer to meet up at 10 or 11?_

“Of all the limited expressions I have seen you with, this is the most amusing one.”

 

Shimizu’s grip on her cell phone loosened and she looked at the other occupant of the room. Oikawa Tooru was up –bruised still, but there was also a smug smile that seemed to imply he had climbed the highest mountain.

 

As much as Shimizu wanted to remind Oikawa that he had not conquered any mountain, it was not the main priority at the moment. When she slept with someone else, she would usually offer him a coffee or a bath just out of duty, but since Oikawa could cater to all of those next door, Shimizu began her small talk about something else.

 

“You can take the ointment to reduce the swelling on your face if you want. I still have my stocks.”

 

Oikawa slowly rose from the couch and began to put on his clothes back. “That would be very nice of you actually, Manager-chan. And thanks for last night. If you ever want to do it again, just let me know. I’m only a door away,” he reminded as he picked up the ointment from the coffee table and put it into his pocket.

 

Shimizu was about to say something, but then her phone buzzed again.

 

_I think 10 will still be a better time. Koushi had to meet another friend at 3, so it’s better to start it early._

This what came back at you when you tried to lie, my dear…

 

Oikawa was walking towards her door, but before he opened it, she called him out.

 

_Don’t do this Shimizu. Don’t do this. This is stupid, and you will regret it, and –_

 

“Oikawa-san? Do you happen to have free time today until 3?”

 

* * *

 

**_(28) my lover’s got humor_ **

 

Maybe there was a little devil inside her heart that Shimizu did not know she was silently raising. Shimizu cared for Suga, she really did. But when she saw the surprise on Suga’s face when she stepped out of the Odaiba station building with Oikawa behind her…

 

…the sense of superiority made her mood much less bitter.

 

* * *

 

**_(29) does anybody know the way to Atlantis?_ **

“Hoo, so it’s really Mr. Refreshing, eh? Cliché moves coming from you, Manager-chan,” Oikawa whispered next to her ear when the other couple was busied with something else. “But if you need this kind of accomplice, you have the right partner in crime.”

 

Shimizu sat straight and only took a sip of her iced coffee. But she did not brush Oikawa’s arm away from her shoulder. Sanae and Sugawara were still in front of them.

 

* * *

 

**_(30) am I the only one alone (can you bring me back the Summer?)_ **

 

It was mutually accepted that whatever happened on that weekend would never be repeated unless necessary. And so far nothing had been necessary.

 

With Sanae and Sugawara returning to Miyagi, Shimizu did not really see the necessity of interacting Oikawa. Both were from different departments and both were self-sufficient neighbors.

 

At times when Oikawa had something work-related with the Distributorship Division, he would still come up to Shimizu’s cubicle and ask her to come home together –to which Shimizu would reply with her standard replies. Other people did not bother; it was the same bi-weekly routine anyway.

 

And each time on Friday nights when they were not pulling an all-nighter, Shimizu would always see a different girl waiting for Oikawa in front of their office building. She guessed that like her, those girls would just be ticked off his little black book.

 

The only worry that Shimizu had was that Oikawa had better not be a carrier of a sexually-transmitted disease of any sort.

* * *

 

**_(31) a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me_ **

 

So it came quite as a surprise when three weeks after that night she had sex with Oikawa Tooru that he came up knocking on her door again.

 

Shimizu opened the door and just asked automatically, “Is there anything I can help you with?”

 

Oikawa grinned that boyish grin of his and he scratched the back of his brown hair rather guiltily. “My date for tonight cancels our plan, so…”

 

Spares. Reserve outlet. Back-up Plan. Conveniently-located VGN-owner. Perhaps those were what Oikawa thought of her. None of such was a flattering thought, and Shimizu held values over himself. Scumbag like Oikawa Tooru should be taught a lesson that not any girl would just open their door for him with his exchange of a smile and Shimizu should –

 

“Come in.”

 

–have tried to control her own carnal desire better next time.

 

* * *

 

**_(32) make me your Maria; i’m already on my knees_ **

 

Oikawa had been rather injured when they first did it three weeks prior, and Shimizu had the upper hand.

 

But the Oikawa now was one healthy boy who –just like his nature on the court – liked to have command over everything. Shimizu was not exactly submissive either, and she learned that maybe she was more of an S than an M. It did not really match with Oikawa’s own preference. So after some impatience, mutual bites, and unspoken disagreement, Shimizu tried to play referee and told him.

 

“Let’s learn to take turns, Oikawa.”

 

And because taking turns meant that it had to be in even numbers than the odd ones, they ended up with two rounds instead of one that night.

 

* * *

 

**_(33) when she gets his gun, he’s begging, babe stay, stay, stay_ **

 

“If it’s about taking turns,” Oikawa mentioned the next morning as he zipped up his pants. “We can also use my place, you know? I feel kinda bad that Manager-chan has to wash her sheet everytime.”

 

“I always wash my sheets weekly with or without your presence, Oikawa-san.”

 

He grinned. “Kitten. Just in case it’s not obvious already, that was an invitation, you know?”

 

* * *

 

**To be Continued**

* * *

 

**Song List**

23\. Dare you to Move – Switchfoot

24\. Embrace – Goldroom

25\. Those Sweet Words – Norah Jones

26\. We Own the Night – The Wanted

27\. King City – Swim Deep

28\. Take Me to Church - Hozier

29\. Someday We’ll Know – Mandy Moore and Jonathan Freeman

30\. Where Have You Gone - Carousel

31\. No Scrubs –TLC

32\. Bedroom Hymns – Florence + the Machine

33\. Robbers – the 1975

 


	4. Where We At

* * *

 

**_(34) my discotheque Juliet teenage dream_ **

 

Shimizu Kiyoko was one dashingly attractive woman –one sideway glance was all it needed for any boy to confirm it.

 

Oikawa, of course, as the worshipper of any God’s beautiful creature (oh, and in case of doubt, that always included himself) spotted it right on as well. Firstly, during that preliminary match back in high school. Secondly, on the first day of work, where she was clearly the most striking newbie in the company.

 

Beauty was in the eye of the beholder of course. When Oikawa first came to Tokyo for this job, he expected to bedazzled by dozens of stylish Tokyo girls. His expectation was met, thankfully. Nevertheless, he did not expect that even when compared to other girls who wore trendier clothing or latest makeup trends, Shimizu was still up to, if not exceeded, the par.

 

A classic beauty, Oikawa decided as he gazed at her back profile during the company’s dinner. Not exactly a goody-girl-next-door beauty, or the cold chic beauty, but simply… a Classic.

 

And Oikawa, a collector in his own field, took pride in claiming the Classic.

 

 

* * *

**_(35) sweet dreams, i gotta go now_ **

 

Along with the personal pride, there was of course, the urge to boast.

 

“Please do not repeat what you did this afternoon, Oikawa-san,” Shimizu eventually noted as she took her turn to climb on top of him.

 

This was their, what, fourth Friday night spent together (with intervals, of course) and this was probably the first line she spoke to him after the soft ‘come in’ half an hour prior.

 

“What I did?” he echoed, half-focused, because Shimizu’s hand was always good in his lower region.

 

“Casually giving remarks about my apartment interior in front of other people,” Shimizu clarified. “I am not particularly comfortable with the publicity.”

 

Oikawa tried to recall to whom he had really boasted this over. Iwaizumi, certainly, though the childhood friend straight-out laughed out loud at the mere thought. In his sober condition, he was certain that he had not told any of their working colleagues blatantly, but he was not 100% positive that he had not when he was drunk.

 

“And, er…if I have?” he tested.

 

Shimizu always dimmed down her bedroom lamp so when she stared down at him, most of the time he could not really see. But this time, Oikawa nearly could feel the coldness that was translated through the air and through the absence of the strokes in his building eagerness.

 

Shimizu was always a woman with the fewest words, but her eyes? Her eyes would always speak the clearest message and Oikawa did not want to test it.

 

* * *

**_(36) you’re nothing but a cold heart covered in gold_ **

 

What Oikawa hated the most was being left in the middle, so he obliged to Shimizu’s term. This whole ordeal was an arrangement –one that he wanted to keep for quite a while –, so Oikawa would try his best to fulfill his end of the deal.

 

He pushed down the image of the shock on the face of the Karasuno teams. Rubbing salt on their wounds would need to wait a little bit more.

 

* * *

**_(37) we’re different and the same, gave you another name_ **

 

If Shimizu had her terms, Oikawa had his too, of course. He did not bring his terms to the table as straightforward as Shimizu did, but there was no need for straightforwardness when probably half the community knew about it.

 

Oikawa never felt the need of establishing a proper relationship to underlie his urges satiation. Simply put, he slept around and he would give every girl that would come to his bed (or him to their beds, whichever) the queen-like treatment, with the condition that he bowed not only to one queen.

 

Sex with Shimizu Kiyoko was always a blast, but sometimes he needed varieties.

 

“Have a nice Friday night, Manager-chan!” Oikawa shouted at her the next Friday night as they both walked out of the company building: her, alone and heading straight back to the apartment, and him, with the company of a girl and heading to the said girl’s residential area. The girl Oikawa was with clutched him a little tighter ( _ah, maybe wrong choice tonight, this one did not seem to be a sharing player),_ but he just needed to call out Shimizu when he was with another girl to prove and draw the line.

 

Drawing the line was probably not really required when it came to Shimizu though. With other girls, Oikawa often had to make it _really_ clear that he wanted no strings attached, but Shimizu never questioned him and never refused to let him into her apartment when he was in the mood for a girl who allowed him to do it without much of pillow talks needed.

 

Which made her perfect, really. Oikawa had dreaded the worst outcome if Shimizu was not fond of his terms. Not particularly because of anything, but because simply, she was still his neighbor and he did not want any bad sentiment between them. Like, what if he needed the phone number of the apartment’s plumber (he confirmed that Shimizu had a neatly-written of all possible emergency contact on her fridge door)? Or if there was a giant cockroach he could not handle? He needed a good, dependable and capable neighbor and Shimizu certainly exceeded the threshold.

 

Considerations like these, he thought, was what made him grin wider whenever he knocked on her door and she left it ajar for him.

 

* * *

**_(38) so goodbye, apathy (as i’m trying)_ **

****

There were those weekends where he was in no mood of knocking on Shimizu’s door, in no mood to drink with his friends, in no mood to chat with Iwaizumi or Iku, in no mood to lay around with other girls either. Sometimes those weekends extended to another or two. Sometimes it was only part of the weekend.

 

He was just walking through the corridor toward his room with a plastic bag from the convenience store when Shimizu locked her own and they passed by the corridor.

 

“Evening, Manager-chan.”

 

“Good evening.”

 

“Going out?” he asked.

 

“Meeting my Kouhai,” Shimizu responded.

 

“That’s nice,” he beamed quickly.

 

“You’re not going out?” she asked.

 

The notion of Shimizu taking the initiative to ask him first was like once in a total eclipse (which was not impossible, but still rare enough) that he paused for a second before he chuckled his reply. “Just want to snuggle in my comforter alone tonight. Finishing some re-runs of basketball games I haven’t watched,” he said with a grin.

 

“I see,” Shimizu noted and Oikawa hated the fact that he could still catch even the subtlest way Shimizu’s eyes fell to his knees. “Well, I’ll get going then. Have a nice evening, Oikawa-san.”

 

“You too, Manager-chan,” he passed her another cheeky smile before he got into his apartment and locked his door.

 

His left knee throbbed again; dull and persistent –like the drumming noise the ball made that Oikawa wished never to echo in his mind again.

****

* * *

**_(39) ‘cause you’re holding onto heaven, but you’re hanging by a thread_ **

 

“Have you ever regretted not telling Mr. Refreshing your feeling?”

 

Either Shimizu was already half-asleep or that any reference to Sugawara Koushi required at least two seconds of deliberation, but in any event, her reply did not come fast enough.

 

“What?” she asked him.

 

“Have you ever regretted,” Oikawa repeated as he played with the click of her bed lamp. “Not telling him how you feel about him?”

 

“…It wouldn’t make much of a difference.” Shimizu replied, and she sat up on her bed to put her glasses on.

 

“Maybe it would have, you know? Don’t you ever wonder?” Oikawa asked.

 

“He has a girlfriend,” she paused again. “A fiancée.”

 

“Well, any guy without a ring is still unclaimed. And if you ask me, even if you put a ring on him, a guy could never be fully claimed.”

 

“Suga is a loyal man and I don’t have any plan on ruining anybody’s relationship,” Shimizu defended. “He is not like you, Oikawa-san.”

 

Oikawa did not find it insulting the least. With a chuckle, he thought he would like to remind her, “All guys in this world are alike, Manager-chan. And you know what? Women are not the only one with intuition. When we went to Odaiba together with him and his fiancée? It’s not proven, but I guess I can see a slight sentiment in Mr. Refreshing’s eyes when he looked at you. If you ask me, you actually could have had it, you know?”

 

“Just like how you could have had that brilliant volleyball career?”

 

His chuckle died down.

 

Shimizu sighed and she walked out of her bed. Even the sight of her bare butt cheeks did not please Oikawa as much as it usually did.

 

* * *

**_(40) a piece of something to call mine_ **

 

Oikawa knew not even Shimizu’s favorite color. He did not know at which point of life did she start wearing glasses. Or whether she was closer to her mother or father. Or how and why she fell for Mr. Refreshing.

 

He knew none of those and he had no reason to anyway. Shimizu and him were not particularly friends, and not even friends with benefits either (when Oikawa had brought the notion of the latter to her, Shimizu reminded him that they did not even know each other’s birthday and he kind of agreed to that being a prerequisite).

 

Still, friend or no friend, when Oikawa felt bad, he just felt bad. Admitting that he might have been at wrong came with a struggle, though usually it came easier when it was directed to the female population than the male ones. And when he decided he had to apologize to Shimizu, she was away on a business trip to Kyushu for the rest of the week.

 

…and he kind of needed the plumber’s phone number too.

 

* * *

**_(41) maybe we forgot all the things we are when we are together_ **

 

When Oikawa met Shimizu again, it was on the next Wednesday. She was just getting out of the elevator when he was about to get in. The startle and the lack of space that vaguely reminded him of his Sims players nearly made him stumble.

 

“I’m sor –“

 

“Excuse m –“

 

“Oikawa-san?”

 

“Manager-chan?”

 

…

 

“I’m sorry about the other days.”

 

There. The apology came from his lips. And it came from hers too.

 

The look, the blink and the chuckle were all nearly in synchronization that Oikawa would have laughed had it not been for the closing elevator doors.

 

“Well, I assume we both forgive each other?” he inquired from inside the capsule as he held the door hold button.

 

She nodded and the faint smile on her face in response to his grin was an enough assurance before he allowed the elevator doors rolling close.

 

“Yes.”

 

* * *

**_(42) i’m just trying to get us on the same page_ **

 

Oikawa started by asking Shimizu what her favorite color was.

 

She stared at him, again –and he noticed she always did it when she was trying to decipher where he was going on with this. He did his best maintaining his smile, and eventually she answered.

 

“Nothing in particular. But if I have to choose, perhaps black?”

 

 

* * *

**_(43) loose lips sink ships_ **

 

“You know, she’s not as pure as we all think.”

 

Then, there were those Friday nights where Oikawa just wanted to take a break from girls in general. While not always, he was often times more Bros than Hoes type of guy anyway. The few first-years in the PR division gathered together for another round of sakes and fritters after work. And grown-up men would always be boys at the end of the day. Have four of them together, a good supply of alcohol, and they would go from the business-like respectable members of the society to secondary school boys who graded girls in their class.

 

“Who?” Oikawa asked as he bit on his skewer.

 

His colleague who first brought up the issue, Oda, dunked his umpteenth cup of sake before he proceeded. “You know, that so-called proper goddess from the Distributorship Division?”

 

Oikawa only silently played with his skewer as his other two colleagues dreamily sighed in unison, “Shimizu Kiyoko-san…”

 

“Yeah,” Oda confirmed. “Beneath that goody-girl and aloof experience, she’s a total slut. I actually only want to do it to her once, but she came to me and begged me for another chance. I would have loved to give it to her, but she was kind of lousy with her blowjob.”

 

“You slept with her?!” the man sitting beside Oikawa shrieked so hard that Oikawa even needed to pull his shirt to remind him to calm down. “I don’t believe it. She rejected a ton of suitors! No offense, but why would she choose you?”

 

“Well you know that kind of girl who likes to play hard to get at first. She’s totally that type. All she cares about is image, I guess. Ask her in private, and really, she’d be the one begging for your dick. I asked her in private during last month’s company dinner, and we went straight to the room after that.”

 

“Argh, don’t taint my image of her!”

 

“Oh well that’s true. I must admit I am kind of disappointed too.”

 

“Damn you, lucky ass.”

 

“I’m not that lucky. Any guy can ask it from her if he plays it right. Follow that tip and you can have her. Sure she’d be happy too.”

 

Oikawa remained silenced during the whole conversation. Of course, he did not expect Shimizu would go to that extent. Oikawa playing it non-exclusively was nothing new and he was aware Shimizu had no complaint to it. But to know that Shimizu was secretly playing his stunt? He must admit that it was surprising, though technically speaking, not too farfetched. To a girl like Shimizu, anyone other than Sugawara Koushi must have been fitting so long that they could give her the hallucinogen effect she was chasing.

 

So it turned out that Oikawa had been degraded not only to Mr. Refreshing’s replacement, but he was also someone completely _replaceable._

 

He must have found it funny because all so sudden Oikawa laughed in the middle of the boys’ conversation.

 

“Dude, what’s wrong with you?”

 

Oikawa shook his head and grinned his candy advertisement smile. “Nothing.”

 

 

* * *

**_(44) if you had your gun, would you shoot it at the sky?_ **

 

“Just to give you the assurance, I’m cool if you want to do it too, Manager-chan.”

 

She stared at him quite intently, always taking a moment to figure out the context of which he was talking about. This time, she must have been unable to find it, because she asked it straight out.

 

“I’m sorry, what is this about?”

 

“Well, not that it needs any clarification to begin with, but I am a fair player,” he said. _At times,_ he thought. “I mean, I can only hope that whoever else you’re doing this to would also be understanding. I must admit I enjoy doing this with you and it would be a damn shame if I can’t do it with you again.”

 

Her deep stare was prolonged, and when it ended, it was with a sigh.

 

“…You also believe that rumor?”

 

He shrugged; with a nonchalant tug of smile. “Rumor or not, just want to let you know, I’m cool with it,” Oikawa then paused to add, “I mean. Like I said, I just wish it’d be okay for you to spare some times for me because –“

 

“I don’t just sleep around with guys, Oikawa-san.”

 

Her words were trying to pull the tug of smile lower, but Oikawa maintained it up. “Okay. That’s cool. Anyhow, it’s always your preference.”

 

“It always is my preference,” Shimizu confirmed; her tone iced up a bit. “And I…” she hung the words mid air. The next sigh that escaped her lips was almost inaudible. “Well, you’re right. It really is not your problem.”

 

“Right?” Oikawa grinned, and he stood up from her sofa and grabbed his coat. “Had a great night. Thanks, Manager-chan. Let’s do it again sometimes.”

 

She did not answer, and even if she did, Oikawa did not stay long enough in her room to hear it.

 

* * *

  **To be Continued**

* * *

 

**Song List**

  1. Shut Up and Dance – Walk the Moon
  2. Sweet Dreams – Andra and Mara
  3. Leaving You – Audien
  4. Goodbye Apathy – One Republic
  5. Everytime You Go – Ellie Goulding
  6. Oh No – Bring Me the Horizon
  7. Pure Shores – All Saints
  8. Rather Be – Clean Bandit
  9. The Listening – Lights
  10. Cherry Tree – The National
  11. Laura Palmer – Bastille




	5. Round We Go

* * *

**_(45) maybe there’s a place for you and me_ **

 

When Shimizu first saw Oikawa, she thought one could not have made it any less obvious.

 

He had been late and idle, but he walked into the court of the practice match like a gallant hero who would be a nation’s savior. Of course, given the situation that time, Seijoh’s victory in the practice match would be unpredictable. But Oikawa came easily and proved his point. The resonance of his name was enough to send agitation to most members of Karasuno, and to those who were not agitated, secret awe would always be in place.

 

And he had appeared like she had expected it. The confidence, the air he carried himself with, Oikawa was the type of person most people did not want to meddle with (his fangirls begged to differ though). The name ‘Oikawa Tooru’ was nothing to her but another row of opponent teams’ captain, though the same name echoed in the minds of Karasuno members like a whirlwind of tornado everyone needed to be cautious of.

 

During Karasuno and Seijoh’s first official match, he had tried to flirt with her, and to be honest, Shimizu did not really remember the occurrence until Oikawa brought the issue back six years later now that they were co-workers and neighbors.

 

“Wait, you seriously did not remember me greeting you back then?”

 

She did not and she told him just as honest. “There were many –“

 

“Well, I did not really remember that well either actually,” he interrupted, and when Oikawa tried to protect his ego, he had this habit of interrupting people, Shimizu noticed.

 

Childish.

 

“I did not remember you greeting me, but I remember you,” Shimizu added as she stared straight at his eyes. “You have always been too noticeable, Oikawa-san.”

 

Shimizu had not intended it to be a compliment, but Oikawa took it as one. With a sheepish grin, he scratched the back of his hair and confessed, “Okay, I lied. I do remember you, Manager-chan. Our team had a discussion about you sometimes, about how goddamn lucky Karasuno was to have a manager as beautiful as you. Calling you ‘Manager-chan’ had kind of been my wish list back then, you know? Guess that follows until now.”

 

Ah. She had been mildly wondering why he kept calling her ‘Manager-chan’.

 

Shimizu nearly blurted out the inquiry whether Oikawa actually knew her real name or not, but she stopped herself before the question rolled out of her tongue.

 

It mattered less. This was the line of her arrangement with Oikawa Tooru, and Shimizu was satisfied with the way it was now.

 

* * *

**_(46) you don’t know (somebody’s aching, keeping it all in)_ **

 

_“Have you ever regretted not telling Mr. Refreshing your feeling?”_

 

The beginning of her arrangement with Oikawa Tooru was Sugawara Koushi, and because they did not really discuss about the topic often, Shimizu often forgot about that. Until that point where he brought the issue up, Shimizu also forgot that Oikawa was also the only person in this world who knew about her feeling to Sugawara. And while Oikawa was acceptable in general, mostly, Shimizu _also_ forgot that he could be an insensitive jerk when his true nature kicked in.

 

_“If you ask me, you actually could have had it, you know?”_

 

There. Oikawa being nosy. Oikawa being insensitive. Oikawa crossing the line.

 

Shimizu might or might not have realized that she _probably_ had had a chance with Sugawara. But the past was in the past and it did not change the fact the now was unattainable. The ‘could have been’ hurt a hundred times more than a blatant rejection, and she did not like Oikawa, of all people, to remind her of that –of her regret, of her cowardice, of the heartbreak that probably was her own doing.

 

Shimizu did not realize that she was quite a spiteful and vengeful woman until she threw the salt to Oikawa’s personal wound intentionally.

 

The flicker of anger in his eyes had been subtle, but if Shimizu was feeling guilty about it, her own irritation of Oikawa clouded her better judgment.

 

 

* * *

 

**_(47) reach, it’s not as bad as it seems_ **

 

Oikawa was not her friend. Shimizu knew she owed no obligation to care for his feeling, to know when his birthday was, or what was his favorite color was, or whether he was a dog or cat person, or why he gave up on volleyball. The most detailed trivias she would have known about Oikawa Tooru were probably those of numbers and percentages (serving accuracy percentage, longest distance his ball could reach, charts on to which player he most often tossed his ball to) –and those only became her knowledge if she opened the dusty box where she packed all her high school notes.

 

Shimizu did not care and did not have any reason to get to know Oikawa better. Still, she spent at least a tenth of her Shinkansen ride from Kyushu to make an apology speech to say to him the next time she met him.

 

It relieved her quite a deal when it took her and him only some awkward exchanges of apology by the elevator. The speech did not even need to be delivered but the message had been crossed.

 

* * *

 

**_(48) and in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat_ **

 

Oikawa never talked about it, but judging by the few moments he let his guard loose, Shimizu’s best bet was that it was the knees.

 

“Oh, shit,” she heard him murmur when they walked back from the station together after work and found that the apartment building was nearly pitch black.

 

The apartment’s post guard did not even avert his eyes from his phone when he gave the explanation. “Problem with the electricity generator. We’re calling the technician, but don’t expect the elevator to be working until the next forty minutes. Just take the stairs for the time being.”

 

Shimizu glanced up to the direction of the emergency stairs. Their rooms were on the fifth floor. Shimizu had no problem taking the stairs (she kind of needed an exercise) but she saw Oikawa retreated to the sofa on the ground floor.

 

“Just go ahead first, Manager-chan,” Oikawa called out to her rather too cheerfully. “I will just –“ he paused when he sensed the additional weight on the sofa beside him. The distance was always Shimizu-distance (which, aside during their intercourse, was at least four feet away), but she sat beside him still.

 

“There’s nothing much to do in the room at dark anyway,” she softly noted.

 

“…There’s nothing much you can do here either,” Oikawa reminded and Shimizu was glad that there was a blackout because now that she thought about it, it was kind of a stupid statement.

 

“I –“

 

Oikawa chuckled. “Or, we can just talk here.”

 

She frowned. “About?”

 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged; sheepish. “Stuffs. Like, hmm, what’s your favorite color, Manager-chan?”

 

* * *

 

**_(49) i gotta get someone to call my lover (yeah, baby come on)_ **

 

“Senpai, has anything good happen to you lately?”

 

It was during one of the phone call session she reserved with Yachi. The latter was in her last year of college and was tasked to find some internships for her last semester’ additional credits. Shimizu had offered Yachi a place to stay during the scheduled interview week, and she called her to to make sure Yachi knew the direction to her place. She did not really expect Yachi to give a comment about her state of mood. Shimizu always knew that she was not the most expressive person ever (duh), so she always gave kudos to people who could tell any change that she personally did not even realize.

 

Still, Shimizu tried to recall. “No. Nothing much has changed in particular,” she thought and told her junior. “Perhaps because the workload has been quite low these past few weeks, and I have more time for myself.”

 

“Ah, that’s good, then!”

 

“Yes,” Shimizu agreed, and because it was her secondary nature to worry about Yachi, Shimizu quickly directed the topic to which line Yachi must take after she exited the Shinjuku station.

 

* * *

 

**_(50) but you’re yesterday’s child to me_ **

 

Things that could bother Shimizu Kiyoko, there were not much of them.

 

Shimizu was a supporter of the notion that apathy was a blessing. It was not per se ignorance. Ignorance meant that she was not aware of those things. Apathy meant that she was aware, but she chose not to bother herself with it.

 

The secret glances, the ulterior motives of guys who tried to approach her, and apparently now, the rumor that she was the type of girl who would spread her legs to any guys. It was kind of a hassle to her work, but it did not particularly bother her that much. Rumors would go away in 75 days, they said. And she knew she had established herself an image that would make only few idiots or ego-crushed boys to believe in such rumor.

 

To her, what? Dismay? Amusement? Disappointment? Oikawa was one of those idiots.

 

“I don’t just sleep around with guys, Oikawa-san,” she said, and the next second, she felt like a bigger idiot for even having to clarify this to Oikawa. Of all things that should bother her, Oikawa’s consideration of her was not supposed to be one.

 

Oikawa mumbled some things afterwards. Shimizu was itched to counter him, but again, she stopped herself from saying the unnecessary, because hey, whatever Oikawa was thinking about her, it did not matter that much to her.

 

* * *

 

**_(51) i could keep your number for a rainy day_ **

 

To be honest, it really could have been any other guy.

 

If Shimizu only wanted a relief from one grave case of a heartbreak, the choice of the fishes in the sea was abundant. Why had it been Oikawa Tooru in the first place then? Well, just say that he was just the wrong guy in the right time and place. The first time she allowed Oikawa to happen was when she had not been in the sanest state of mind, and Oikawa just ticked something in her brain that made her want to use him, manipulate him. The second, third, fourth, and fifth time? Shimizu thought that once a glass of milk had been tainted, then why bother spilling another one?

 

And it just happened that Oikawa was…Oikawa. Except in several situations where he made blunders, generally speaking, he always knew his line. He was a scum and it made her feel less guilty to ruin a scum. He was intuitive and things that she did not need to say, he got the gist of it. He was a cat person and Shimizu tended to go along with cat person more. And when she needed someone to move her wardrobe aside, he was only a door and a knock away. 

 

It could have been any other guys, but Shimizu must admit that having Oikawa as a relief was not that bad of a choice.

 

* * *

 

**_(52) i might tell the world (‘cause you’re such a pretty thing when you’re done up properly)_ **

 

It seemed like it had been quite a while since she last talked to Oikawa, and when it happened again, it was through Yachi.

 

“Senpai, I’m sorry! I don’t know how but I remember you saying it was Room No. 502.”

 

Shimizu decided not to remind Yachi that the former had specifically written the room number in the previous texts. Yachi seemed like she could faint at any point now, with the embarrassment that was threatening to choke her alive.

 

Shimizu closed the door behind her after she ‘saved’ Yachi from the threat of palpitating after hugging Oikawa Tooru. So, Yachi was scheduled to have some interview in Tokyo and she was to lodge in Shimizu’s place during the week. The younger girl had unfortunately rung the bell on Shimizu’s neighbor door instead and she instinctively flung her arms around the guy whom she thought to be Shimizu. Yachi’s panicked shriek when she realized the situation was Shimizu’s cue to rescue her.

 

The talk with Oikawa did not even last for one minute. The casual pleasantries, the brief introduction, before they went back to their respective rooms.

 

“But that was really Oikawa Tooru, right? From Seijoh? I know you work in the same company, but I didn’t recall you telling me that he is your neighbor too!”

 

Shimizu started boiling the water for the tea. “I’m not sure, Yachi. Yes, he’s my neighbor but it’s that news worthy enough?”

 

“Yes! I mean, well, not exactly news worthy. But it’s like a little detail you shouldn’t spare me off when we were conversing through phones all these times.”

 

“Well, now you know. Nothing much happens though.”

 

Yachi laughed. “Of course. Why would anything need to be?”

 

Shimizu smiled and brought some cookies to the coffee table for Yachi to munch. Judging from Yachi’s reaction, it would seem that Sugawara did not say a word to anyone associated to Karasuno that Oikawa once tagged along Shimizu during the supposed double-date. If that was the case, nothing else needed to be elaborated.

 

“But he’s just…so pretty. And he seems to have nice abs too,” Yachi muttered unconsciously, and three seconds after, the poor girl gave a high-pitch yelp. “Aah, Senpai, you didn’t hear it from me! That was just! It’s not that I have any perverted thoughts, I just think that he’s…” she let go a loud sigh and buried her face on her knees.

 

Shimizu allowed a fond smile to grace her face. Yachi was always a high spirit to beckon. Shimizu almost slipped off a comment like ‘rather, I think his ass is nicer’, but she stopped herself before Yachi could ask her how did she know and the damage became irreversible.

 

* * *

 ** _(53) for_** **_a smile they can share the night (it goes on and on and on and on)_**

 

“Is your friend okay?”

 

It was during the train journey back home from work. She had been working overtime and the train was less occupied during such hour. Shimizu tilted her head up to see that it was Oikawa who was standing in front of her train seat; glancing down at her with his trademark grin.

 

It almost felt too long since she last saw that grin.

 

Shimizu placed a finger in between the pages of the book she was reading before she made her reply. “Hitoka-chan? Yes, she’s fine. She wanted to apologize to you.”

 

“Well, she did,” Oikawa laughed. “Almost felt bad for her. She totally looked like a boiled crab when she realized it was not you she was hugging. So rare to find such an innocent reaction nowadays.”

 

Shimizu’s gaze softened. “Yes, she’s really cute,” she agreed. A second later, the realization hit her and she looked up at Oikawa again. “I know your records, Oikawa-san, but please only Hitoka-chan…spare her.”

 

Oikawa blinked. “I didn’t even…” he paused and then extended his next response with an additional sly smirk. “Are you jealous, Manager-chan?”

 

Shimizu eyed him without any interest. Oikawa always thought that the world revolved around him and that the only religion he worshipped was Oikawa-ism. Shimizu did not care if it was with other girls, but Yachi was always her little baby girl, and no, she would not allow any scum to touch the poor girl.

 

She surmised all the thoughts into one sarcastic question. “Do I sound like I am?”

 

He eyed her in amusement. “My wishful thinking.”

 

She killed his hope with a toneless reply, “It is your wishful thinking.”

 

Oikawa chuckled and then the train stopped at the next station –two stations away from theirs. The person who was sitting next to Shimizu stood up and after ensuring that no one else needed the seat, Oikawa seated himself next to Shimizu. “It’s really been quite a while since we last talked, Manager-chan.”

 

“…Not that long.”

 

“Well, long enough for me,” Oikawa maintained his position and for a moment, Shimizu did not really know how to react. “And I know I probably say this too often already, but I owe you an apology. I… should have believed you more. I mean, it still stands that you are absolutely free to go out with anyone, but I should have believed more that you are not that kind of girl. So…forgive me, Manager-chan?”

 

* * *

**_(54) a purpose, an argument, a smile (you’re my favorite waste of time)_ **

 

Shimizu did not give any response but they walked towards the apartment together. The conversation they had during the walk was about other nonchalant things (where Oikawa talked 90% of the time and Shimizu’s portion of 10% consisted of ‘hmm’, ‘yes’, or ‘I don’t think so, Oikawa-san’) and was also short-lived because the distance from the station to the apartment was a stone-throw away.

 

Just after Oikawa finished tapping the passcode to his room lock that Shimizu finally addressed his earlier concern.

 

“You don’t owe me any apology, in all honesty, Oikawa-san,” Shimizu said truthfully in front of her door when Oikawa was doing the same in front of his own. Bowing her head down slightly, Shimizu tried to finish, “But… thanks for believing me, still.”

 

Oikawa did not say anything. But he smiled and Shimizu felt something unfamiliar twirling at the bottom of her stomach when he bridged the distance between their doors and he bent his much taller body to lean against her and –

 

“You’re back, Senpai! I’ve been waiting for, ah, O-Oikawa-san!” Yachi stammered after she swung Shimizu’s room open.

 

Shimizu could only stifle her laugh when Oikawa clumsily pulled back his hand that was about to hold Shimizu’s and used it to wave awkwardly to Yachi.

 

* * *

**_(55) i'm hiding from a distance; i've got to pay the price_ **

 

“Did I do anything wrong? W-was I interrupting something?” Yachi asked after Shimizu closed the door behind her.

 

“No,” Shimizu affirmed, her lips were almost pulled into a smile because Oikawa’s flabbergasted face and Yachi’s furious blush were just both amusing to remember.

 

Yachi folded her legs on Shimizu’s sofa as she gazed up at the older woman. “You really look like you’re in a good mood, Senpai.”

 

“Maybe,” Shimizu said briefly before she cleared her throat and returned to her usual tone. “How was your interview?”

 

“Oh, I’m not too sure,” Yachi wailed. “I think I messed up. Maybe I should have just applied for the internship back in Miyagi instead. Tokyo’s competition is too crazy. The other applicants were so good.”

 

“You have your qualities too, Hitoka-chan. Don’t think too low of yourself,” Shimizu insisted as she took her seat next to the girl that she probably dotted a little bit too much.

 

Yachi sighed audibly. “And here I think it’d be like the old time. I really want to go to work in the same town with all the Senpais. And I really look forward to it when Suga-senpai said we could go to the Izakaya after work together.”

 

Shimizu’s lips parted open slightly. “Suga?”

 

“Yeah, he said he’s been promoted to work in Tokyo too starting next month. Didn’t he tell you already, Senpai? Aaah, I really wish that we all could go together.”

 

Shimizu stared at Yachi, who forever remained oblivious as the latter worried more about her interview.

 

And then, as if on cue, a new LINE message from Sugawara came into Shimizu’s cellphone.

 

_Hey, Shimizu. Do you happen to know any recommended apartment around Yurakucho that is quite affordable?_

****

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

 

**Song List**

 

  1. You I’m Thinking of – Relish
  2. Love Show - Skye
  3. The River – Imagine Dragon
  4. Cosmic Love – Florence + the Machine
  5. Someone to Call My Lover – Janet Jackson
  6. Jaded – Aerosmith
  7. The Walk – Imogen Heap
  8. Hands Clean – Alanis Morissette
  9. Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
  10. Quatro – The Morning After
  11. Sitting Down Here – Lene Marlin



 


	6. Drawn Line

 

* * *

**** ****

**_(56) darling, you’re just soaking in it_ **

 

When Oikawa first heard it from Iku, he felt his stomach was doing a somersault.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“Which one? That Oda from your division is a douchebag for taking credit over my work?” Iku asked, still fuming.

 

“No,” Oikawa growled. “I mean yes, that part is important too, but,” he hung his sentence. He did not continue it. He had heard what Iku had said earlier. In the midst of complaining about Oda (the guy who claimed to have slept with Shimizu) for another reason, Iku had also spilled some of his ill comments about Oda’s bad track record of spreading malicious gossips about those he did not like.

 

“And you’re sure Manager, I mean, Shimizu-san returned back to work with her team after last month’s company dinner?” Oikawa asked; remembering that it was the timeframe on which Oda asserted to have bedded Shimizu.

 

“Well, yes, but that’s not the point. You weren’t listening to my story, were you?”

 

Oikawa only sighed and did not bother to lie.

 

* * *

**_(57) and if they knock us down like a wrecking ball; we'll get up and walk right through these walls._ **

 

Now that he thought about it, Shimizu did hold a record. There were very few girls that Oikawa slept with more than twice. And among those few whom he fucked more than twice, Shimizu was still on top when it came to frequency. Well, this did not count his ex girlfriend from college whom he dated for 12 month and 13 days, but Shimizu was not his girlfriend.

 

Did that make Shimizu more significant than the other girls? He believed it was too preliminary to claim such. It mainly stemmed from the location and opportunity statistics. Of course, just because a girl was living next door did not mean Oikawa would automatically go for her all the times. He supposed aside from being easily accessible, Shimizu… just met his preference.

 

And…yeah, he thought she could qualify as his friends of benefit at this point of time, with the stressing point more on ‘friends’ than ‘benefit’.

 

More so than the much less frequent sexual activity, he felt bad for even having that kind of doubt to someone he started to consider a friend.

 

* * *

 

**_(58) i’m meaner than my demons_ **

 

Oikawa was not a tyrant, nor was he a king, but he was certainly always the type of person whose words would be heard. And aside from being naturally charismatic, Oikawa was a schemer.

 

Iku was more than glad to help Oikawa clear Shimizu’s names –and by that, it included spilling some of Oda’s other unrelated ill secrets that even warranted the latter a warning letter from the division’s chief. Oda always gave him a rather vengeful secret glare afterwards, but Oikawa did not care. He did not mind making one, two or even dozens of enemies if it was so required.

 

And he just happened to value Shimizu way more than Oda, that was all.

 

* * *

**_(59) don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo_ **

 

Though as much as he valued her, he shouldn’t have let himself be carried that way. Shimizu’s current was strong, and it nearly dragged him along, nearly dragged him to lean closer by her door and to land an impulsive kiss that was supposed to be reserved under the sheets only.

 

Oikawa thanked the cute, blonde-haired, little manager to open the door and interrupt at the right moment.

 

* * *

**_(60) i am a natural entertainer; aren’t we all holding pieces of dying ember?_ **

 

“I was afraid of bursting the bubble.”

 

Oikawa pulled his face up and stared at her. They were stopping by to have a dinner at a ramen stall near the station on their way back to the apartment. He had just finished placing his used chopsticks when Shimizu gave the statement. Not only that this was yet another rare time where Shimizu opened up a conversation, but it was a conversation about, well…

 

“Mr. Refreshing?”

 

Shimizu did not nod nor affirm it. She only placed both her hands on the cup of tea and stared at the holder of the dining utensils in front of her without any focus. “It was sufficient. Back then, I thought it was all sufficient. I was afraid that if I ever let him know how I felt it would all…burst,” she elaborated and her fingers unconsciously folded and unfolded the paper napkin. “What I had with him was not just a mere four years of college together. Before college, we were friends. We, the rest of Karasuno team, were chasing the same dream together. I was afraid of what I would have lost.”

 

“…”

 

“And yes, I regret it,” Shimizu confessed. “I am not… exactly an expressive person. And I thought words were not necessary when it came to Suga. I did believe that something was there, and it needed no explanation but…”

 

Oikawa stared at her, almost expecting her to finish the line, but Shimizu only gave one final fold on the napkin and settled it at that.

 

“That’s actually less complicated than I thought,” Oikawa commented truthfully.

 

Shimizu only chuckled.

 

For a moment, Oikawa was stunned. The sound of her mild laugh would be enough to make any guy fell for her.

 

* * *

**_(61) you wait for the sun to make the sky_ **

 

But for the record, Oikawa was not just any guy.

 

* * *

**_(62) where did all the music go? (I think it’s locked in a box in my heart and my soul)_ **

 

“Is that true? That you’re dating Karasuno’s manager now?”

 

Oikawa had a business trip to Yokohama, since it was Friday, he extended the trip to make time to meet with Iwaizumi who was working in that harbor city. The combo settled for an evening chat at one of the Izakaya and of all things to catch up first, Iwa brought it up first.

 

“What? Manager-ch, Shimizu-san?” Oikawa shook his head. “Where did you hear that from?”

 

“One of our juniors saw you two hanging out together at a glasses shop together the other day.”

 

“Oh that,” Oikawa recollected. “I accidentally broke her glasses.”

 

“They said you two looked like an old married couple.”

 

Oikawa chortled. “No, _you_ know me, Iwa-chan. I don’t do dating and stuffs. We are just good friends.”

 

“You slept with her.”

 

“Did I tell you tha, oh yeah, I did,” Oikawa acknowledged.

 

“I thought it was just another one-night stand for you.”

 

Oikawa shrugged. “Well, just because it happened to be multiple one-night-stands with the same person doesn’t mean that I am going out with her. And it’s not the first time I have this kind of arrangement,” Oikawa said, and decided not to tell Iwaizumi that he never really went with his other one-night-stands to a glasses shop or the likes. “You know me, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa repeated –the statement was supposed to act as a guarantee.

 

Iwa only gave a deadpan stare. “Yeah. A trash.”

 

Oikawa flicked his fingers. “Always hurts less when it comes from you.”

 

Iwa sighed impatiently. “No matter how trashy you are, you can’t be a trash for girls her caliber. Girls like Shimizu Kiyoko are always too good for you. You might not mean it, but don’t give false lead.”

 

“Oh believe me that won’t be the case,” Oikawa idly assured. “Manager-chan can’t be misled. She’s a rational woman, and I am sure she is fully aware on the extent of our arrangement.”

 

“And you?” Iwa asked. “Are _you_ aware of the extent of it?”

 

“Perfectly,” Oikawa replied without hesitation. “Look, Iwa-chan, I know how this seems. I know what you, or other people might think. But people like me,” he smiled. “Like you said, are a trash. I can’t do commitments. I don’t want to be tied. I still see other women during our arrangement. Even _if_ I go out with her, I probably will cheat still.”

 

“Don’t sound so proud when you’re saying such an asshole statement.”

 

Oikawa laughed it out. “And of all women I’ve ever met, Manager-chan just has the best control. Part of the reasons why I can do this with her on a relatively longer time is because I trust her sound judgment.”

 

Iwa narrowed his eyes. “To be honest, I am starting to think that she might be secretly a psycho for agreeing to all of these.”

 

“It’s about managing the expectation,” Oikawa concluded. “Neither of us expected anything more to be there at the end of the day. It makes everything less complicated actually.”

 

“…I really don’t understand the way your brain works,” Iwa confirmed. “Nor the way hers does.”

 

Oikawa smiled. “Great minds think alike.”

 

Iwa must have thought that it was a moot argument. Whatever. He knew that it would always be his role to save Oikawa’s pathetic ass should there be problems in the future. It had always been that way and would probably remain that way. Dropping Shimizu Kiyoko off the conversation, Iwa entertained Oikawa’s other chatters throughout the night. It was an hour before the last train when Iwa eventually braved himself to bring the more difficult topic.

 

“The nationals,” the Ace mentioned and he kept his eyes steady at Oikawa’s unchanging expression as he said it. Iwaizumi was even more surprised that Oikawa did not choose to interrupt or change the topic even at the mention of the word. Heaving a sigh, Iwaizumi braved himself. “They make it to the nationals this year. It’s…really been a while since Seijoh goes there and the other alumnis have offered to spare some time to coach or give advice, and… it would really make a difference if you… can drop by sometimes.”

 

“…”

 

The fact that Oikawa _still_ had not interrupted him urged a part of Iwaizumi to be bolder. “They’ll go to Tokyo for some practice matches before the actual competition. The other alumnis who are working in Tokyo have agreed to watch over the practices and…” Iwa sighed. “I know it might be hard for you. But…Seijoh doesn’t get this opportunity often. They need it. They can’t miss this one. They need y –“

 

“They don’t,” Oikawa finally broke the shell of his patience. “They’d do just fine, Iwa-chan!” he shifted immediately to his cheery tone. “Believe in our juniors. We are too old for that. Move on, Iwa-chan!”

 

“But –“

 

“Because I _have_ ,” Oikawa assured; his smile was pulled upward to the point that his eyes were nothing more than two crescents. It prevented Iwaizumi from reading him. “Because I have moved on, Iwa-chan. And I’m not looking back.”

 

 

* * *

 

**_(63) young, but I’m not that bold_ **

 

Because when Oikawa looked back, what remained was only the sensation he could never feel again, the cheer he could never hear again, and the pumping adrenaline that never rushed through his veins again.

 

And mostly, because when Oikawa looked back, he would crumble, and he had tried hard enough to stand and lift his chin up as he was now.

 

* * *

 

**_(64) but under skinned knees and the skid marks_ ( _past the places where you used to learn_ )**

 

“Is everything alright?” the voice shook Oikawa off his trance.

 

His arms were taut muscles on the either side of her head –stretched as tight as his gritted teeth. He looked down to the girl below her –to be honest, nearly wondering who this was, because as far as his last memory permitted, he just needed the comfort of a woman, and _whoever_ would be fine, really.

 

It was only after those familiar grey eyes looked up at him that Oikawa realized he had cancelled his plan to extend the night at Yokohama and instead go back to his flat –or rather, hers.

 

His breath ran short and he pulled himself off her and dropped himself on the bed next to Shimizu. He stared at her ceiling and said nothing. Oikawa was almost lulled to sleep perhaps. But then Shimizu got up from her bed and he eventually seated himself up –freeing himself from the condom and stared at her back.

 

She had turned on the lamp of her room and was about to walk to the bathroom when Oikawa saw those red marks on her pale back. They looked like claw marks, and excessive bite marks. He cringed.

 

“Was I too rough?” he asked.

 

Shimizu turned around and Oikawa thought that no matter how many time he had seen her in nude, he would still appreciate every single second of it.

 

“Than usual? Yes. Slightly.”

 

He sighed and scratched his head. “You should have told me. Stopped me,” he paused and added uncertainly, “Somehow.”

 

“It’s fine.”

 

Given other situation, Oikawa would follow up with a sexual remark about it. But his mind was probably elsewhere and he just settled for a quick, “Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine,” Shimizu repeated. She was about to walk to the bathroom but midway, she stopped and turned back to face him on the bed again. “You want to stay over the night?”

 

Oikawa was at a point where he did not even know what he wanted. But agreeing would be quicker than disagreeing, so he just gave a curt nod and allowed the soap scent of Shimizu’s pillow to engulf him again.

 

* * *

 

**_(65) second guess these words of mine; i always thought that i'd be fine with you_ **

 

The last time Oikawa had an official girlfriend had been in his second year of college. It also happened to be around that period where the doctor gave the verdict and he drew back from volleyball. In all honesty, not the best period for anyone to have a relationship with Oikawa and the said ex girlfriend called off the relationship; believing that Oikawa was only using her to relieve himself from the post-power syndrome.

 

Which technically was not incorrect, but the tears from his ex girlfriend’s eyes had made him rather guilty, and while he kind of accepted the fact that he was destined to be an asshole, Oikawa wanted to be on the nicest level of an asshole.

 

Shimizu was serving him a plate of toast and coffee the next morning, and after few chews, Oikawa eventually opened up his mouth.

                                                          

“I’ll probably be an even worse scum from now on, Manager-chan.”

 

Shimizu only took a seat in front of him on her small dining table and applied a layer of apricot jam onto her own toast. He knew she was listening though.

 

“Just how worse can it even be?”

 

He softly snorted. “This is why I like you, Manager-chan,” Oikawa idly noted, as he reached out to take his own share of toast, on purpose ignoring the pair of dark eyes that were staring at him a little longer than usual.

 

* * *

**_(66) you’ve been made not to fade_ **

 

Oikawa liked Shimizu. That was the truth.

 

It just so happened to be another truth that he liked a lot of other people as well.

 

“Your place?” the pretty girl whose name he was too afraid to mention (he thought he remembered it wrong. Calling her wrongly would be rude) murmured against his lips as she pulled his tall body lower, her own back was pressing against the wall of the karaoke place. Her eyes were looking up at him in expectation. Oikawa nearly forgot how much easier it was to handle light-colored eyes tinted only with lust, compared to the dark ones that threatened to penetrate his carefully built walls.

 

Oikawa smirked and snaked his hands lower onto her rear. “What about a hotel nearby? My place is too far. Unless you _can_ wait?”

 

The girl snickered. Oikawa returned the gesture, perfectly knowing that while some things had been lost permanently, others remained. Others remained and it reminded him that he still had it –the control, the ability to orchestrate things to go according to his plan.

 

Things had better be.

 

They had better be, or else he would lose his footing again and he did not want to drown ever again.

 

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

 

**Song List:**

  1. Soap – Melanie Martinez
  2. Invincible – Bourgeous
  3. Control – Halsey
  4. Starving – Hailee Steinfeld ft. zedd
  5. Kremlin Dusk – Utada Hikaru
  6. Elevate – St. Lucia
  7. Radio – Mansions on the Moon
  8. Counting Stars – One Republic
  9. Everything You Want – Vertical Horizon
  10. 2-14 – Camino
  11. The Garden of Everything – Steve Conte and Maaya Sakamoto



 


	7. And Let's Be Damned Together

* * *

**Bubble Burst**

**Chapter 7: And Let's Be Damned Together**

* * *

_**(67) how could we celebrate a love that's too late?** _

Shimizu did not run, but she was close of doing so after the elevator reached her apartment's floor. Her steps were rushed and her breath was nearly raged. There were little physical activities, but she still felt the burst in her ribcage that needed to be calmed down and she needed it now.

She pressed the doorbell and the owner of the room opened the door on the second ring.

"Yes? Who's –" Oikawa's face greeted her and he nearly looked like he was taken aback when he saw her standing in front of his door. "Manager-chan? I thought you said you were out with a friend?"

The trembling still crawled inside her and she felt her voice was a product of clustered thoughts. She was almost breathless when she asked Oikawa.

"C-can we?"

Oikawa blinked and he stared almost curiously at her. Of course. It must have been puzzling to him –it was puzzling to her too. A head taller than her, he looked down at her as if he was contemplating, as if he was deliberating to ask,  _what happened?_

The question never rolled out of Oikawa's mouth and Shimizu thought that if he had asked, she would have actually answered. That she just made it. That she just faced her own fear and actually went alone with Suga and his fiancée to see the apartment they would be residing after Suga officially transferred to Tokyo. That Shimizu had kept her head high all the times and had not run away and had not bit the insides of her cheeks as much. Though if she told Oikawa this, he might not have understood. She had not told him of Suga's plan to move to Tokyo, and explaining it in a chronological manner would be rather burdensome. Oikawa might not have even comprehended why this meant a lot to her –her ability to stand strong and face her own fears and that this was a huge step, and that  _she just made it alive and sound._

Oikawa did not understand any of this, though he might have if she told him. But at the moment, Shimizu was prioritizing other things. What she needed from Oikawa at the moment was not the comprehension, what she needed from Oikawa at the moment was just the warmth of his skin and the sense of salvation it always carried.

His lips curled into a sly smirk as he opened his door wider. "Can I ever say no to that, Manager-chan?" he asked before he pulled her into his flat and traced the firm flesh of her rear beneath her skirt.

And when his lips were all hot and wet over hers, her guilt towards Oikawa could not even wash out the feeling: that Oikawa was almost like a reward she deserved after she braved herself from confronting Suga.

* * *

_**(68) i'll find you that French girl (you'll find me that French boy)** _

The idea of implanting Sugawara into Oikawa had been incredulous back then as it was now.

When Shimizu first committed to this pact with Oikawa, she had not really seeked for a replacement. A pastime and a distraction, yes. But replacement? Never. On the first, second, and even a millionth time glance, Oikawa and Sugawara were entirely too different. Physically different (she never touched Suga's hair, but she was sure that his would not be jagged ruffles made out of the use of excessive hair gel product) and character-wise different as well.

In the first few sexual contact, yes, her mind had worked hard to imagine Oikawa as Sugawara. Because when they did it, Oikawa always looked straight at her in a sense of complete acceptance and Shimizu just imagined how nice it would be if Sugawara saw her that way too. But later on, she thought she needed no forgiveness if her mind no longer worked as hard to imagine Oikawa as Suga, because the way he was now was sufficient.

She did not love Oikawa. No. But she appreciated him –that much was indeed true.

Often times, Oikawa woke up before her (perhaps old habit of morning practice died hard –no matter how much he tried to erase that habit, she thought). But when she slept over at his place (instead otherwise), he seemed to allow himself fall into slumber a couple of minutes later. And in such time, like this time, Shimizu just looked at his sleeping face –the childishness in his wake was made more genuine in his sleep.

And when he scrunched his eyes to flip them open a couple of seconds later, Shimizu did not turn her eyes away.

There was a second of early-morning confusion, like he could never get used to this, before his eyes twinkled with something playful.

"Were you staring at me in my sleep, Manager-chan?" he spoke groggily; stretching his long legs and his toes made lazy drag on her shin.

The comment and gesture did not fluster her. "You have a pretty face," she noted calmly, as if it was all the logical justification she needed.

He flustered in return, and she thought, that was pretty too.

* * *

_**(69) can the child within my heart rise above?** _

Shimizu did not particularly wish to move on from Sugawara, and mostly, not  _to_  Oikawa. But one time during their Tuesday dinner time at the around-the-block ramen stall, she thought she just needed to make the first step.

"I was afraid of bursting the bubble."

It almost felt like the words did not come out of her mouth. But then Oikawa only needed to confirm one thing.

"Mr. Refreshing?"

Then, the words rolled. The words rolled before she could filter them, before she could even remind herself that there was no need to talk about Sugawara and their history (or what she claimed to be their history) to anyone –not to Oikawa, not to anyone else, really. She told him the things that she had never even admitted to herself before.

And when she was finished, no burden was lifted. She thought it would be too easy if all were to be lifted that way. If it had been the case, she would have talked about it million times before, perhaps to Yachi perhaps to herself, just talk it out. It didn't work that way.

Oikawa only chuckled.

"That's actually less complicated than I thought."

It took her years to admit that she regretted over something, and Oikawa Tooru had insensitively implied how trivial all these things were. His words should have felt offensive. She should have given him the cold glare and icy words. She should have at least regretted telling all these to him. The burdens were still not lifted, but at least she owed herself one truth.

"I guess," she chuckled in admittance. "You might be right."

* * *

_**(70) go ahead and sail me out (and I'll lay your ship bare)** _

Lately, more often than not, Friday nights were for Shimizu, while rare Saturday nights were for others. And like their usual Friday night chore, just as she put in the passcode to her lock, he stayed behind her. The usual, however, was not the usual that night when she realized that he was not taking a step in even after she had opened the door.

"Kind of tired tonight, Manager-chan," he noted.

It was not that she particularly expected him to sleep with her again that night, but she just realized how habitual this whole thing with Oikawa was –that his refusal was to be the exception and not the rule.

She understood. "I see. Good night then, Oikawa-san. See you on Monday."

"Sleep well, Manager-chan!" he assured with that wave of hand and grin that always spread from one cheek to another.

Shimizu closed the door behind her and she heard Oikawa walked away. The sound of him putting his own passcode, opening and then closing the door still breached the walls that divided them.

And in the fading of his sound, Shimizu stared back at the emptiness of her apartment that seemed to love welcoming her.

* * *

_**(71) so tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?** _

Fine, in all honesty, she did  _think_ of the what-ifs.

Once, twice –at maximum thrice – throughout nearly one year of this arrangement with Oikawa, Shimizu thought about it: about how convenient it would be to stop all the running away thing, moving on thing, distraction and replacement thing and whatnot.

Sure, Oikawa was probably the town's worst candidate to be considered in a serious relationship. He was a playboy by nature –a charmer who probably said the exact same line from one girl to the next. He might have been an excellent captain, a hardworking employee (no matter how much he denied it, Shimizu knew Oikawa pushed himself beyond his own limit), and a loyal friend. But as a man, Oikawa was really, truly, the worst choice. Falling in love with a man as nice as Suga already hurt the way it was – _if_ she was to harbor any feeling towards Oikawa, it was a deliberate and idiotic suicide.

Though in the rare times, Shimizu thought that Oikawa was always more than what he portrayed himself to be. For example, Shimizu knew that parts of the reason why the rumor of her sleeping around with guys did not spread that much again in the office was Oikawa –who had made the public humiliation of Oda. Maybe she was too full of herself, maybe she was being too conscious of herself, but she thought that there were sporadic times where Oikawa gazed at her and did not consider her as merely a flesh to be fucked.

It was not in a romantic notion, Shimizu knew. But it was probably bordering companionship, and she thought it was actually even more alarming.

* * *

_**(72) so won't you open up the sunroof in my head?** _

Or maybe, Shimizu was just  _really_ being too full of herself, and there was no other word for that.

* * *

_**(73) you're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece** _

It physically hurt: the way he dug ( _clawed_ ) his fingers onto her back this way, the rough bites he made on her skin. Not the first time that he took a more primal way of sex, but at least, he had known his limit, he had better control of himself. The way he was fucking her now was almost like a revenge for a sin that she did not know she had committed.

Shimizu could have stopped him; pushed him away when she looked down to her body and saw the reddish scrapes he had left on her upper chest. Physically, she knew she was no match of him, but if she had shouted, yelled, screamed at him to stop, maybe Oikawa would have listened. Maybe Oikawa would have been pulled back to his own sense.

But she looked up at him and saw through the eyes that buried something more than lust there: they bore anger, frustration, and most of all…self-loathing.

It was a pathetic sight, but it almost felt like she was looking at the reflection of herself in the early months post Suga's (implicit) rejection. Pitiful being, pitiful Oikawa, and the request for him to take it slower died down on her tongue.

The 'sorry' came a little bit too late; only after he had fully satiated himself and she was all but a flesh that took all the metaphorical beatings. When, in the next morning, he warned her that he would be an even worse scum, Shimizu honestly thought that the warning was unwarranted. Oikawa had peeled her bare, but on the other hand, when Shimizu thought that she had peeled him, he came with another layer, another façade. Oikawa was both an easy and difficult person –if that made any sense.

And Shimizu was cruel too; because no matter how much she detested herself, whenever she looked at Oikawa, she was reminded that someone else might have had it worse than her. The vice thought gave her relief, and she slightly felt bad that pitying Oikawa was probably her way of healing herself mentally.

* * *

_**(74) in time i'll find a way to taste the lies and hunt your cold lips** _

Over the time, Shimizu began to note the difference in each of Oikawa's laugh.

"So persistent, that Iwa-chan," he commented as he lightly tossed his phone onto her bed.

Shimizu was unbuttoning her pajamas as she kneeled on her bed (Oikawa already occupied hers first) and she still caught the sight of Oikawa glancing over the phone. It was all in split-seconds though, for his eyes were immediately averted back at her and they twinkled in mischief when he saw her state of half-dressed.

"Something the matter?" she asked as he hovered his palms over her hips and pulled her closer to him.

"Nuh," he murmured on the back of her neck. She fought the shudder when Oikawa trailed kisses on her nape as he pushed the collar of her pajamas top away. "Iwa-chan just wants me to coach the juniors for free. Blah. Like I am that cheap."

Even the laughter-coated comment could not hide the true anxiety that was translated through his slightly trembling hands.

His kiss stopped and he laid his lips slightly above the skin of her collarbone. When he whispered, it was like a ghostly touch. And a ghost he probably was, because even Shimizu held her breath in the seemingly absent presence, until he murmured.

"Don't judge."

"…Judge what?" she asked.

"You must think I'm pitiful."

"I do."

Oikawa pulled his head up and his strategy now must have been to play it comical, because he wailed, "Manager-chan!"

She stared at him –rather irritated that he must  _always_ downplay himself this much. "But I envy you," she said and his wail stopped. "Unlike me, you've fought with all you've got to the very end."

His brown eyes widened and his lips parted open, like he wanted to say something, but he did not.

Shimizu only released a sigh as she allowed Oikawa to turn the position and push her to the bed –the kisses he trailed all over her torso that night were like silent stings that prevented both of them to say the words that were never to be spoken.

* * *

_**(75) fight fear for the selfish pain (it was worth it every time)** _

With Oikawa, things did not necessarily need to be reciprocal.

True, when she let out her feelings towards Sugawara and the years-honed regret that was dwelling inside of her to Oikawa, she did not expect Oikawa would go and say something along the line of ' _Right, Manager-chan. Now as to my problem…_ "

The nature of their relationship had never been that way. And even when, contrary to her own sayings months ago, they had considered each other as friends, there were…different degrees to it. Technically speaking, Shimizu knew she probably did not have time to add other people's problem to her own when she was just in the process of coping up with her own trouble, but sometimes, when she looked at those hazel eyes that seemed to show less than it had, she thought that she wanted him to trust her more.

Maybe she just did not know what she was asking for.

But then the gossips among the Karasuno members which were of no particular substance to her became more intriguing. She connected the dots herself. Oikawa, the ever ambitious and excessively hardworking volleyball geek, stopped playing volleyball during his second or third year of college. He did not even have the chance to face Ushiwaka again before he disappeared quietly from the court he once ruled over. Coach Usui once mentioned that it was the permanent injury on Oikawa's knee that disabled him from playing the ball again.

Sometimes she was itched to ask him straight. Sometimes she thought that once she did, she would cross the boundary again, and this bubble with Oikawa –though probably not as substantial as her bubble with Suga – would pop. So then she liked to pretend not to see when Oikawa nursed the caps of his knees –which Shimizu suspected to still give him dull ache from time to time. But other times, she wanted to place her hand on top of his knees and say…what? Something nice? Yes, when he was being honest to himself. But when Oikawa was being his manipulative, cunning, and arrogant self, Shimizu could not help to feel that she wanted to say something acidy to him instead.

Misery loved company. With Oikawa, Shimizu did not know whether she wanted to save him from the darkness or push him deeper into it.

* * *

_**(76) so you can drag me through hell** _

"I think I must apologize to you," Shimizu confessed.

"What for?" Oikawa mumbled.

"Maybe a part of me likes seeing you look so pitiful."

"Isn't that a nice coincidence?" he muttered as his cold finger trailed the length of her back spine; and his touch burned. "Because I like seeing you like that, too."

* * *

_**(77) well darling, my soul, you know it aches with yours** _

The first time Shimizu felt her heart was shaken by Oikawa was not when he did nice things to her. Not when he accompanied her to the glasses shop. Not when he made her moan and come as he thrust into her. Not when he secretly defended her in front of their colleagues (though she was thankful of him for that).

So it was confirmed that she was a masochist on an emotional level, because the first time Shimizu felt her heart was shaken by Oikawa was when he promised her that: the damnation that belonged to them only.

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

**Song List:**

67\. Almost – Tamia

68\. Paris – Friendly Fires

69\. Landslide – Fleetwood Mac

70\. Rolling in the Deep – Adele

71\. The Saltwater Room – Owl City

72\. Sunroof –Courtship

73\. Colors – Halsey

74\. Tides – Crywolf & Skrux

75\. Clarity – Zedd

76\. Follow You – Bring Me the Horizon

77\. Infinity – James Young


	8. You're a Home (I Wanna Run to)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to typewritings. Thank you for making me believe there is still an interest in this fic. I will finish this story with or without any readers or comments, but thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts.

****

* * *

****

**_(78) you’re approving sinister things_ **

 

To Oikawa, girls wishing bad things to happen to him was nothing new. As the master of breaking girls’ hearts, Oikawa had codified a long list of ill wishes a girl could hope to inflict on him. One of his ex girlfriend’s wish was for him to be castrated like a grave sexual offender, and Oikawa had been so afraid that he had actually put double locks in his door afterwards.

 

Shimizu, _thankfully,_ had not wished him any pain that would leave him impotent.

 

* * *

 

  
**_(79) i love to hate you, i'm glad we're on the same page_ **

 

But what Shimizu said, though not physically endangering, was probably more damaging.

 

“Maybe a part of me likes seeing you look so pitiful.”

 

If it was not for someone _equally_ as pitiful as her, Oikawa would probably have felt offended. At times like this, Oikawa often forgot that Shimizu could very much be an even more demonic woman. Come on, she once bragged Oikawa in front of Sugawara when that guy had a date with his fiancée. Alright, maybe ‘bragging’ was a twist of fact, but it still did not change the fact that Shimizu had a sadistic side to her that made Oikawa thought it was impossible for her to like anyone.

 

But maybe just like her, he liked it when she became that spiteful, petty, pitiful woman too. It gave him reasons to feel good about himself.

 

If this was a complicated arrangement, at least now Oikawa admitted it was not only on Shimizu’s part.

 

* * *

**_(80) take my hand, let’s see where we wake up tomorrow_ **

 

Oikawa did not particularly count, but now that he remembered, it really had been quite a while since he last slept with anyone other than Shimizu.

 

* * *

**_(81) you seem to replace your brain with your heart_ **

 

“I might be imagining things, but I think I saw Mr. Refreshing around Yurakucho a few days ago?”

 

Shimizu was vacuuming her carpet when Oikawa just sat lazily on her couch –munching the leftover muffin – and posed her the question. She straightened her back and shot him a deadly look. It was mostly for the muffin crumbs though, because Shimizu decided that pulling that plate away from his reach more of a priority.

 

Once she returned from the pantry, she answered, “Suga’s office is nearby Yurakucho, so yes, if you thought you saw him, that was probably him.”

 

“What? He works in Tokyo now? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“At which point am I obligated to tell you?”

 

“Ouch,” Oikawa sneered. “Heartless as usual, Manager-chan. After all we’ve been through…” he faked the sobs.

 

Shimizu set the vacuum cleaner to the higher level.

 

* * *

 

  
**_(82) don’t be scared, we’re a fate tied by the sun_ **

 

Shimizu could be quite stubborn at times, so Oikawa waited until she finished vacuuming all the carpet and turned the machine off before he asked her.

 

“You’re okay?”

 

“…I’m coping,” she admitted eventually.

 

* * *

**_(83) we sat and made a list of all the things that we had_ **

****

Oikawa was not in his round of overnight work, but Shimizu was. He could very much just go home two hours prior but lately, in his lone time alone in the apartment, thoughts he did not want to have start to bug him. Upon noticing that Shimizu’s corporate instant message was still on, he decided to take the elevator down two floors and distract her work. That was the way he could distract himself anyway.

 

Aside from Shimizu, the large wing for the Distributorship Division was filled only by a male intern associate (who was cursing the photocopy machine once a minute). Oikawa did all he could to distract Shimizu: constructing a pyramid from her post-its pads, whispering sexual remarks (the male intern associate was in too much in a heated battle against the photocopy machine to notice) and spinning himself in the wheeled chair next to Shimizu). But Shimizu’s level of concentration and dedication to ignore Oikawa were of no match.

 

He eventually stopped spinning the chair and stared at the ceiling as he reclined back.

 

“I actually gave up.”

 

Oikawa knew that if he wanted to catch Shimizu’s attention, this was not the wise thing to mutter. But he did a lot of things that puzzled himself lately.

 

“The volleyball,” he elaborated as he closed his eyes. “The doctor might have told me that it was a permanent injury, but Iwa-chan always encouraged me to take therapy.”

 

“…”

 

“Tried the therapy for six months,” Oikawa continued. “Six months, and I thought I was okay. Tried a jumping serve once and I literally could not feel my entire leg thereafter. Iwa-chan…if there was anyone who did not give up, it was actually Iwa-chan, not me. He searched up for doctors’ second opinion and other alternative therapy method.”

 

Oikawa opened his eyes again and straightened his back. Shimizu had stopped typing and was turning her chair to him. He could barely read what she was thinking.

 

“You know, it is easy to proclaim spirited slogan back in high school. It is easy to feel inspired, to think that there is no limit to youth. But you do not stay young forever,” he shrugged. “And I know my body limit the most. If I try again, yes, maybe I can jump, but at the cost of what? Losing my leg? Having my entire nerve system permanently damaged? For a serve or a toss that would never even half-live up what I could have done in high school? It’s…” he chuckled. “It’s bullshit.”

 

“Oikawa-san –”

 

“That must have been why you think I’m pitiful, right?” he asked with a smile –and Oikawa assured that it was not sarcasm, it was just a belief. He did not blame Shimizu for thinking that way –how could he, when he thought he was the most pitiful at that state too?

 

Shimizu looked like she was about to do something, but Oikawa then realized that this was even a backward attack. He could not distract himself even in her presence, so he decided to run away again. “Sorry to disturb your work, Manager-chan! Iku asked me to join him at the Izakaya so I shall take my leave now!”

 

* * *

**_(84) my darling, stay gold_ **

 

Gray eyes, Oikawa thought, were scariest when they were tinted in sympathy.

 

 

* * *

**_(85) when_** **_you’re standing in the shadow, I could open up the sky_**

 

It appeared to be that Iwaizumi thought it was a brilliant idea to talk to Shimizu about some things.

 

“He wants you to just come and watch the pre-Nationals practice match at Shinzen stadium next Saturday.”

 

Oikawa did not understand that of all times that Shimizu had to do the talk it was just when he was in the middle of making out with her. Talk about inconvenient timing.

 

Pulling himself from her, he scratched his head and presented her a goofy smile, “You met with him?”

 

“He texted me when I was in Yokohama for the conference last week,” Shimizu nodded. “Don’t look at me like that. You must forget that you were the one who mentioned about my conference to him.”

 

“Iwa-chan is so aggressive!” Oikawa screeched as he put both his palms on each side of his cheek –the intentional recreation of Edvard Munch’s The Scream. The deadpan stare Shimizu gave in return convinced Oikawa that Shimizu could not be fooled this way. “What, you think I should come?”

 

“I’m not quite sure, to be honest,” she replied. “But Iwaizumi-san… I think he just does not want you to hate volleyball,” Shimizu mentioned gently. “And I know you don’t.”

 

Oikawa snorted. “Exactly because I don’t that I –” he paused to draw a long sigh. “Whatever. I’ll just see how my mood goes on the day.”

 

“Alright,” Shimizu noted.

 

The ever lack of expression on her face kind of softened Oikawa’s mood. He was about to snuggle to her again before the curiosity required him to ask another. “Why did Iwa-chan tell _you_ again?”

 

Shimizu shrugged. “It seems that he believed I was your girlfriend.”

 

“Did you correct him?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Oikawa had to chuckle at least for that.

 

* * *

**_(86) ‘cause when words meet heartbeat (baby, you’ll know)_ **

 

The loudest heartbeats Oikawa had ever heard was his own.

 

The thumps that were entirely his: the ramming through his ribcage that threatened to explode when his palm connected to the ball that was served straight through the other side of the court; the skip of beat he missed when the doctor said that dreadful verdict.

 

Shimizu’s heartbeats had been foreign, but lately he had woken up with his head upon her chest as they slept side by side. She usually woke up later than him, and the sight of her wearing his t-shirt always sent more blood to his nether area (not like he needed any further natural boost in the morning). Often times, he would prompt her for a morning quickie, but that morning…

 

Oikawa nearly regretfully pulled himself from his bed and the movement must have awakened her. She slowly got up to rub her eyes and ask him, “You’re going out this early?” It was a question of arrangement, not possessiveness, he knew. She was sleeping on his bed this time around and if he had to leave his room, he knew she would assume it was time for her to return to her room next door.

 

“Yeah, but feel free to sleep some more, Manager-chan.”

 

She wouldn’t, he knew. Shimizu was poised and she would not allow herself to be in his room without his presence. By the time he finished refreshing himself up and changed his clothing, Shimizu already put back her clothes and glasses on, as well as folding his t-shirt and making up his bed.

 

“Seriously, it’s okay,” he assured her, but she was already fully awake and she followed him to the door as well.

 

“No. I remember I have to send an email anyway.”

 

He nearly groaned. “It’s Saturday, Manager-chan!”

 

“You’re one to talk,” she replied. “As if you have never worked over the weekend yourself.”

 

He grinned as he locked his door behind and Shimizu walked towards her own. Oikawa tapped his shoes to make them more comfortable and started to head to the elevator. “Later on, Manager-chan!”

 

“Good luck,” she only replied. Oikawa beamed and felt that her rare salutation would probably be a good sign for the day.

 

* * *

**_(87) even heroes have the right to dream_ **

 

But even a doping had its own time limit. That morning, he woke up and he felt like he wanted to do things on an impulse, but the determination was thinning. The bold steps he took got slow and slower until he finally stopped himself from entering the building.

 

Still, fifteen feet away from the gym, he could still feel his jaw tightened and his fist clenched inside the pocket of his coat. The sound of balls slammed at full force, the scent of euphoric teenagers’ sweat, the roar of English words echoing through the hall –he suddenly felt nauseous.

 

Oikawa snorted. What did he think he would achieve if he went there anyway? What did he think would happen if he watched his juniors played? Inspiration? Motivation? How did Iwaizumi think Oikawa could advise on? What advice could someone who could no longer jump be worth of again?

 

The cynic entered his mind again. Shaking his head, Oikawa was about to turn his heels away when that voice called.

 

“I know you’d come.”

 

Iwaizumi stood by the gym door and Oikawa stared at him. His walls were building up again. With a shrug, he nonchalantly remarked, “Just around the neighborhood.”

 

“Just come and see it,” Iwa nudged. “First practice match against Shinzen. We’ll probably face them on the first round of the nationals so –“

 

“Nuh,” Oikawa grinned. “I was really just around the neighborhood, Iwa-chan.”

 

Iwaizumi ran towards him and the grip around Oikawa’s collar was perfectly expected. It had been like that years prior, when he announced his resignation from the club back in college. Iwa had always, _always,_ been the one to tell him not to give up. Iwa had always been the one who said that there was no limit –not even the doctor, not anything. They had a lengthy ‘discussion’ (one that made Oikawa actually fought for real with Iwa and gave him a silent treatment for a month). To remain friends, they had settled with avoiding the topic back then. Oikawa did not understand why Iwa could not leave it as it was.

 

Why Oikawa could not leave it as it was.

 

“You’ve come all the way here,” the Ace seethed, and the pain in his voice nearly made Oikawa believed that maybe Iwa regretted everything even more than Oikawa did. “Don’t turn your back now, not when I know you can –“

 

“I was wrong,” Oikawa interrupted. “I still can’t.”

 

“Oikawa!” Iwaizumi shouted, and his shout must have alarmed the others. Three of the other Aoba-Johsai alumnis (his juniors still) popped their heads out of the door. Their eyes lit up and Oikawa felt like he wanted to be nowhere but buried under the ground.

 

“You know why I can’t, right, Iwa-chan?”

 

Iwaizumi calmed himself down, but he must have gotten his point. Maybe Iwa felt guilty for the sudden attention directed to Oikawa as well. Releasing his grip around Oikawa’s collar, Iwaizumi only yelled back at his juniors to return to the gym as he himself turned to head towards the gym back.

 

“Maybe not now,” Iwa said with his back facing Oikawa. “But the first round of the national would be on the 22nd.”

 

“Won’t be there,” Oikawa assured.

 

“It’s been years since we last can go to Nationals.”

 

“Yeah, because we couldn’t do it when I was the captain?”

 

Iwaizumi paled. “That’s not what I meant. I meant –”

 

“Nuh, it’s fine. But call me up if you’re up to some drinks sometime, Iwa-chan,” he said quickly, and before Iwa could say anything, Oikawa also turned his back and walked away.

 

* * *

**_(88) ‘cause you’re a hard soul to save, with the ocean in the way (but i’ll get around it)_ **

 

The trip driven by impulsiveness caused more damage that he originally thought, and maybe he was defensive, maybe he was a coward, but he just felt like he needed to blame someone.

 

He could not blame Iwaizumi. Oikawa knew just how much his friend had blamed himself over everything when none was his fault. Oikawa could not blame the doctors –the verdict was something that was medically proven, and under oath, was just something that they were obligated to tell. Oikawa could not blame Ushiwaka, who always had the genuine sympathy and wonderment of what could have been. People that Oikawa had wanted to blame had been blamed before, three years prior. No one else was left to blame and two hours after he sent her away back to her door, he knocked on it again.

 

Shimizu was already dressed differently and before she could mutter his puzzlement, he had shouted at her first.

 

“This is why I look so pitiful to you, isn’t it?!”

 

Oikawa’s sudden scream must have alarmed their other neighbor, because the one in Room No. 503 suddenly opened his door to glance at the commotion happening in Room no. 501. Shimizu bowed her head apologetically to their neighbors before she grabbed Oikawa by the hand and pulled him into her flat.

 

And once she closed the door behind him, he yanked his hand off her. He probably scratched her skin in the process but the hurricane inside his mind was too loud for him to notice that.

 

“I-I had it all,” he whimpered and against his will, he gritted his teeth so hard and he must have looked rather hideous that point. The hell. He did not care. “T-that pride, that _truly_ insignificant pride…it was all that I have. And not that I didn’t try. When the therapy failed the first time, I tried again, then again, and _again_ until I know that at the end of the day it is just that fucking pride that prevents me to see the reality.”

 

“…”

 

“I w-was… I was…” he sobbed. “I didn’t try all my might just to be this pitiful but –”

 

“Yes, this is you at your most pitiful self, Oikawa-san,” Shimizu remarked.

 

He was baffled. Shooting glare at Shimizu, even the sight of her was blurry and he did not realize he had been crying ever since she let himself in. Giving an entirely humorless throttle, he stammered, “O-of course. Because I’m one piece of shit, who is not only arrogant but is also a big failure, right?”

 

“No,” Shimizu confirmed. “Never.”

 

“Then what is it?!” he screamed.

 

“Because you can’t ever seem to forgive yourself.”

 

Oikawa did not know what kind of look he was giving to Shimizu, but whatever it was, the next moment Shimizu’s arms enveloped around him.

 

She embraced him often before. Her skin touched his hundreds times before. And this time, it was probably worse, it was probably only a sympathy hug. Shimizu probably only hugged him so that he would not scream and so that she would not receive any warning letter from the landlord. Shimizu probably did not really care. Shimizu probably only needed to comfort him so that she could have her own piece of mind. But Oikawa, he…

 

… _he just needed this acceptance, all along._

“You’ve worked hard,” she whispered to his ear and caressed his tousles of brown hair. “So there’s nothing you need to regret. Please forgive yourself, Oikawa-san.”

 

The scar in his heart, the fear of facing the volleyball he had always loved so much, the dull pain in his knee –they would all probably remain. Oikawa could never work to fix the world, just as Shimizu couldn’t. But…he might just be too tired to think, to analyze, to even move his body.

 

So in the warmth of Shimizu’s embrace, he just allowed his head to rest on her shoulder and let her lull him.

 

Fake or not, at that point, there was nothing else he needed more than this.

 

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

 

**Song List:**

  1. Mr. Minister Great – Junius Meyvant
  2. Eye for an Eye – The Strike
  3. Lost Stars – Adam Levine
  4. Crybaby – Melanie Martinez
  5. Shadows – f(x)
  6. Things We Lost in the Fire – Bastille
  7. Stay Gold – Utada Hikaru
  8. Somebody to Die For – Hurts
  9. Words Meet Heartbeats – Parachute
  10. Superman – Five for Fighting
  11. Over the Love – Florence + the Machine



 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not too sure if anyone's interested, but if you want to read my much darker intake of oikiyo, i just posted another fanfic on them. it's a final haikyuu quest-dark au on Demon King Oikawa and Succubus Shimizu that is in a completely different genre than this. dark romance, but mostly, maybe a horror.


	9. Cornered

 

* * *

_**(89) come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound** _

 

_How small._

Oikawa might have been tall, and when he was curled like this, his long limbs were dangling awkwardly on her couch. But in his current state, sleeping on her couch after letting out his vent-up anger, he really looked nothing more than a kid. Shimizu was tempted to wake him up so that he could move into her more spacious and comfortable bed instead, but even she did not have the heart to do it.

A part of her still felt guilty for somewhat thinking that seeing the practice match would be good for him. At that time, maybe she just thought that Iwaizumi-san's persistence encouragement deserved a reward. Shimizu did not think that in the span of less than two hours after Oikawa went out of his apartment in good mood, he would later come back like this.

But another part of her felt that this was something that Oikawa needed to confront. Sure, she would think twice before agreeing to the idea of him facing volleyball again in the near future, but the little steps could be taken one at a time. When she looked at Oikawa, Shimizu thought that he really had not allowed himself a time to properly grief. He probably had gone from being frustrated to ignorant immediately. For someone who had a big smile on his face, he surely was a sad person.

Shimizu continued to stare at his sleeping figure. The digital clock on her coffee table showed the time and she sighed. The business analysis that she had promised to send to her manager had not been sent, but Shimizu thought that it could wait.

"You're such a big baby," Shimizu muttered to Oikawa's sleeping figure as she fondly brushed away his bangs.

 

* * *

_**(90) we were strangers on a crazy adventure** _

 

She did not expect those brown eyes to open wide upon the touch. No, first thing first, she did not even expect that she would touch him in that way, in that sense.

His gaze traveled to her fingers that were hung awkwardly in mid-air.

Maintaining her best poise, Shimizu retracted her fingers and murmured, "Sorry, did I wake you up?"

Oikawa blinked before he slowly rose himself to sit on her couch. "No, I just…Sorry, I was being quite emotional and –" he gazed at his surrounding in disorientation.

Shimizu smiled softly and stood up. "Do you want to stay for lunch?"

He nodded unsurely and Shimizu turned her heels to start making the lunch preparation.

She hoped Oikawa did not catch the trembles that she still felt at the tips of her fingers.

 

* * *

_**(91) electric emotion, running through my circuits** _

 

The whole fiasco with Oikawa must have flowed rather too natural for Shimizu that she even forgot that the Karasuno team had a very outdated information. Now that she recalled, the latest update she ever told them was only that Oikawa was an office mate. Not until Yachi nonchalantly mentioned that Oikawa was her neighbor to the Karasuno VBC members during their reunion that Shimizu realized it.

"Wait, Shimizu-san! O-Oikawa,  _that_ Oikawa, is your neighbor?!" Nishinoya shouted as Tanaka did a little head-clutching screaming ritual in the background.

"S-Senpai! I'm sorry! W-was that supposed to be a secret?!" Yachi ranted in panic beside her.

Daintily taking a sip of her warm tea in the midst of the apparently-shocking revelation, Shimizu only explained, "Yes, Oikawa-san is my neighbor. And no, it's fine, Hitoka-chan. Not like it's a secret or anything."

Daichi stared seriously at her. "Did he ever try anything funny?"

"Define funny."

"I don't know. Breaking your locks? Stealing your…private belonging or something?"

Oikawa  _did_ attempt on sneaking one of her cookie jar, but she caught him before that. So… "No," Shimizu confirmed.

Daichi exhaled a relieved sigh. "Good. And please rest assured, Shimizu. Though we live in different towns now, the moment he ever tries to do anything bad to you, I will personally employ all members to ambush him at Tokyo."

"No need to wait until that, Daichi-san!" Tanaka spiritedly announced. "Being able to live that close to Shimizu-san is already a crime! He could see Shimizu-san every morning!"

"And he could walk with her everyday!" Nishinoya chirped in.

"And he could pretend to be sick so that she could nurse him!" Tanaka screeched.

Nishinoya slammed his knuckle to his other palm with gritted teeth. "I'd say he already deserves a good punch by breathing the same air as Shimizu-san!"

"Come on, Tanaka, Noya," Azumane tried to calm his juniors. "They're just neighbors. It's not like Oikawa-san asks Shimizu's hand for a marriage or something."

Shimizu nodded to agree with Azumane. "Of course not. That would be outrageous."

 

* * *

_**(92) and when we burst, start over** _

 

And it would have been more believable had her confirmation come without the one-second delay.

Nishinoya and Daichi soon joined Tanaka's ritual –this time apparently involving the plan to print Oikawa's picture and find some nails, hay doll and a voodoo textbook.

 

* * *

_**(93) doesn't matter, cause it's enough to be young and in love** _

 

"Until the very end you didn't tell them that you're dating Oikawa-san?"

The reunion had ended (though Shimizu eavesdropped that Tanaka was holding a secret meeting at his place later that night with a somewhat obvious agenda). And since Sugawara also worked in Tokyo now, they were taking the same shinkansen ride and were walking to the station together.

When covering lies with lies, Shimizu realized, it was hard to keep track. It almost missed her memory that she once dragged Oikawa along to the double date with Sugawara months prior.

Suga smiled warmly at her. "To be honest, when you first brought Oikawa to Odaiba that day, I thought it was just a one-night stand relationship. But you are still with him until now, aren't you? I was worried before. But it's good that Oikawa-san can be serious about something."

"He's always serious. About volleyball. About his job…" Shimizu trailed, and when she realized that she had not denied the one important thing, she quickly added, "But…"

Alright, this was it.

Shimizu stopped walking and Sugawara copied her action –turning around to watch her biting her lips and staring at him like she wanted to apologize.

And apologize Shimizu did.

"I'm sorry, I lied, Suga," she slowly murmured. "Oikawa and I are never in a relationship. And… it's not like I dislike Sanae-san at all, but at that time, I just thought it would be uncomfortable to face you and Sanae-san alone, so I asked him to accompany me. I'm so sorry!" Shimizu said as she bowed her head.

Suga laughed and waved his hands. "Ah no, Shimizu-san. I understand that Sanae can be a bit…overwhelming at times," he chuckled. "Though it still astounds me that of all guys, it just had to be Oikawa-san."

By the time Shimizu pulled his head back up again, Sugawara was only smiling. Before she could say anything, he nudged at the entrance of the station. "We'd better hurry. Or else we'll miss the train."

 

* * *

 _ **(94)**_ _ **do**_   _ **I wanna know? (if this feeling flows both ways)**_

 

Shimizu realized that there were things that Sugawara did even when he did not have to. Sure, as a gentle and kind boy by nature, he probably thought it was only ethical for a guy to take home a girl when it was already past eleven pm. Their shinkansen stopped at Tokyo Station and they would need to take local trains to opposite direction to reach their respective residence. So really, not only that it would require him to pay extra for the train, the walk would still consume his time as well. Shimizu had refused his insistence, but Sugawara just sheepishly got into the train before she could give a protest.

He walked her only until around the block though.

"I think it's safe from here," he said after she bowed in gratitude. "It will kind of be awkward to run into Oikawa-san in this situation."

"He's not my boyfriend," Shimizu re-confirmed just in case Sugawara missed the ever blatant confession four hours prior. "And no, he won't be here. He's on a business trip to Okayama for two weeks."

"Ah, they have nice bara-zushi over there."

"You want me to call Oikawa to bring you some? I think he can have them packed on the day of his departure and –"

Sugawara chuckled and Shimizu frowned. "What's the matter?"

"Twice," Suga smiled and glanced at Shimizu rather sheepishly. "You sighed when you remember that he wouldn't be here for two weeks and you are comfortable enough to ask him bring something for a friend of yours."

Shimizu's posture straightened. "That should be understandable," she eased out. "He's a friend. True, a rather close one lately, but…" Shimizu exhaled a deep breath when she noted that the playful glint on his eyes remained. "What do you want to imply, Suga?"

"I think you know what I want to imply."

Shimizu always liked Sugawara. But there were these rare times where she genuinely thought Sugawara's wicked game was probably on the same par with Oikawa. Everything that Suga did was probably unintentional, but sometimes Shimizu could not believe how Sugawara even dared to nitpick the little details about her relationship with Oikawa when the very same Sugawara himself always failed to catch all the underlying signs that she had been in love with him before.

_Had been?_

The color on her face must have changed or something because Sugawara only laid a fond pat on top of Shimizu's head and requested, "Don't overthink it, Shimizu-chan. You won't solve any problem if you overanalyze everything, alright?"

 

* * *

_**(95)** _ _**and then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic tremblings** _

 

In the silence of her room where no one could listen, Shimizu would admit at least one thing. It did not even need a thorough analysis as Suga had expected. Even without deep thoughts, Shimizu had learned how the failure to admit something to herself would only leave her emotionally drained later on –seek the Sugawara case in college for reference.

Oikawa had become a presence Shimizu would need to fill her days.

Or in a much simpler wording, yes, she liked Oikawa more than a friend.

Friends were like the Karasuno bunch. People she would sincerely cherish, people who got her worried from time to time, people who made her laugh, people whom she could trust to accept her the way she was. Oikawa was like that to her as well. She genuinely felt proud when she heard Oikawa got another compliment from his boss. She was constantly worried that he would blame himself over things that were simply beyond his control. She fought hard to stifle a chuckle whenever Oikawa was effortlessly embarrassing himself. And she had probably laid herself the barest (literally and figuratively) to Oikawa in comparison to any other person in this world.

Friends were like that. And Oikawa was her friend. The only difference was that she knew Oikawa easily passed certain line as well. Shimizu believed she had never felt her knees buckled when Tanaka praised her undying beauty; she had never felt her heart raced when Daichi spoke a little closer to her ear; she had never felt the sting when she saw Kageyama garnered himself a little more female attention.

The closest to all of these was Suga, and even this line of thought frightened Shimizu. It was no longer comparing Oikawa to Suga, but rather, the other way around.

 _Get a grip, Kiyoko,_ she reprimanded herself. The Kiyoko part in her who was more of dreamer was easy to lull. 'Kiyoko' –the little girl whose name never even escaped Oikawa's lips, not even once.

 _You're playing with fire, Kiyoko._ Of all men in the world, having that kind of feeling towards one Oikawa Tooru was probably like a deliberate pour of gasoline into one's self.

And then…there was another issue.

Shimizu closed her eyes and shut Kiyoko up. Shimizu was never half-hearted when she did things. And Shimizu would never allow herself –Kiyoko or otherwise – to even dare having a half-hearted feeling towards Sugawara.

 

* * *

_**(96) echoes turning ripples into tidal waves** _

 

But Goddamnit, she disliked herself for looking up for the next Friday in two weeks, where Oikawa would put his travel bag in his room before he knocked on her door.

* * *

_**(97) lay me down, you slipping out of my mind** _

 

The knocks did not come, not on the Friday two weeks after, or the Saturday, or the Sunday.

Her initial thought was that Oikawa was probably too tired after his long business trip. Her second guess was that his business trip had been prolonged, and since she was in a different division from him, she had no ways of confirming this without making it too obvious. She also refrained herself from texting him or knocking on his door instead, because those would be the deliberate attempts to half-ass her feeling to Sugawara.

She saw him on Monday at office though. He was eating at the cafeteria with that director's nephew (Oikawa had slipped this secret identity to her a while back), a big laugh on his face as he retold the story from his past trip.

So he was not too tired and he did not have a prolonged business trip. Kiyoko inquired why he had not even talked to her, but Shimizu hurriedly shut herself up –reminding Kiyoko that despite whatever she felt towards him, Oikawa had no obligation to do it.

 

* * *

_**(98) i've fears with pins and needles around** _

 

Still, it felt kind of…forced?

Oikawa did greet her when they met each other in front of their room doors –but then he proceeded to enter his home without any other word. She saw him waiting for the same train back home, but he proceeded to choose the next car while the one that Shimizu was at was more vacant. These had not been that apparent on the first few days after he arrived at Tokyo again, but on one Wednesday afternoon, more than three weeks since Shimizu had an actual interaction with Oikawa, she confirmed her belief.

Oikawa Tooru was avoiding her on purpose.

 

* * *

_**(99) by then, i won't even be there (i'll be happy somewhere)** _

 

Whether she liked him or not, this whole thing was irritating and so childish of him.

"Are you… mad at me or something?" Shimizu finally confronted him when they met again in front of their respective doors and he only hurriedly tried to get into his apartment after giving her a polite wave.

Her little outburst must have startled him because even someone who was linguistically gifted like him still stumbled upon the words. "I, eh, no. No, I mean, I'm not mad at you or anything."

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

She still noticed the way his jaw tightened for a second before it loosened and he gave her his usual Oikawa TooruTM smile. "You're reading too much into it, Manager-chan. I really am just busy lately, or…" he smirked. "Does Manager-chan really can't get enough of me?"

Shimizu maintained her gaze locked at Oikawa. She knew she was probably acting up like a clingy girlfriend or something, and hell, she did not really care if Oikawa wanted to group her the same with those fangirls. She was not, a fangirl, that was. Nor was she a girlfriend or clingy (the last one was probably arguable). But she would declare that Oikawa was playing it too painfully ignorant if he claimed this was merely a one-night-stand. If it was a one-night-stand from the very beginning, then there should not have been night _s_ of it and he shouldn't have been knocking on her door that often and…

Shimizu calmed herself down. There were numerous scenarios to this. He could just be bored of her already. He probably just did not want to continue this past platonic.

She would have understood, honestly. It would hurt, but she would have understood still. But she just did not like the way Oikawa abruptly cut all connection without so much of an explanation. At least as his friend, she very much deserved more than that.

Oikawa sighed and he scratched his head. With his smile dropped, he almost looked like the image of the VBC Captain who liked to threaten his opponent. Shimizu did not know if she should feel flattered or not.

"Look, it's nothing personal and nothing too complicated, really. But I do feel like I need to make some distance from you," he admitted eventually. "You're…making things weird lately."

"Because you realize that I have feelings for you now?"

Oikawa widened his eyes, as if he did not really expect Shimizu –whose failed relationship with Sugawara was rooted in her past inability to convey what she wanted – actually went all frontal with him. Shimizu might have surprised herself equally. But instead of embarrassment, she was filled more with a determination to get this whole point cut clear.

Wherever it might lead.

Her gaze was calm when she looked up to Oikawa. Because really, to shut Kiyoko up, Shimizu wanted to make it all rational.

"I just," Oikawa sighed as he threw his gaze away instead. "Your feeling… it's heavy, Manager-chan. And I just don't like complicated things."

Shimizu nodded. Perfectly understandable and perfectly expected. When Oikawa did not say anything else, Shimizu decided to give one last push.

And after that, it would be clear and she could move on.

"So straight to the point," she declared. "I'd assume you want us to stop doing the arrangement?"

Oikawa did not answer, but the look on his eyes were probably enough to let Shimizu know. It was almost as if he did not want to be the one who said it, and as much as her feeling for Oikawa went, Shimizu wanted him to at least have the  _balls_ to say it.

"Well noted, Oikawa-san," Shimizu said with a nod. "Thank you for all these times," she said as she pivoted her heels and walked back towards her door.

At this point Oikawa had better not attempt to say anything else, because she had given him enough time to say the words, and when he failed to do so, she was not going to look back.

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

**Song List**

89\. Safe and Sound – Taylor Swift ft. The Civil Wars

90\. At the Beginning – Richard Marx & Donna Lewis

91\. Atomic – She

92\. Begin Again – Purity Ring

93\. Love – Lana del Ray

94\. Falling for Somebody New – Kuma

95\. Goodnight and Go – Imogen Heap

96\. Howl – Skinny Dipp

97\. Need You – Ember Islands

98\. Sleeps with Butterfly – Tori Amos

99\. Someday – Nina Girado


	10. Pendulum

 

 

**(100)** **_you came into my life and I thought hey, this could be something_ **

 

At which point it began, Oikawa could not pinpoint precisely.

 

Maybe it was as recent as when she realized Shimizu could make the tastiest crab croquette he had ever tasted (that was like five minutes ago). Maybe it dated as far as years prior when she came out of the bus during their teams’ first practice match with an imaginary halo. Or maybe it was in the between, when she decided to wait for him at the lobby because he could not take the stairs during their apartment’s blackout.

 

At which point his heart warmed at the sheer remembrance of her, Oikawa could not pinpoint precisely.

 

* * *

**_(101) we’ve been meteoric, even before this_ **

 

But although he could not pinpoint _when_ , now that he thought about it, falling for Shimizu Kiyoko was probably one of the easiest things to do. 

 

The thing was, Oikawa knew that when he harbored any feeling to a woman, he had a hard time making it exclusive. Not that he did not _try_ , but looking back, he hardly recalled a time where he could just look at one girl and one girl only. It was nearly justifiable for him to have such a frivolous personality when people just kind of had a consensus about it.

 

And Oikawa had never tried to change the consensus. It fit him. He was used to it. When the world labeled you as one thing, it was comfortable to stay within the spread of that label.

 

So whatever he was feeling for Shimizu, Oikawa knew that it would be best kept as it was.

 

And besides, Shimizu was his weight holder. She was like the female version of Iwaizumi –someone who would know when he was about to cross that border and would prevent him from ever crossing that comfort border. Harboring any deeper feeling to Shimizu was something that was out of the border. And Shimizu, Oikawa was glad that it was Shimizu, because she was the type of girl who valued rationality over anything and would not go as far allowing herself fall for a guy like him. Besides, she still had Sugawara –and that was her personal holder.

 

It was easy to keep it that way when he was sure that Shimizu would not allow him to cross that border. It kept the balance. It kept the comfort, the label, intact.

 

So every time, Oikawa would just walk casually to knock on her door, because Shimizu would not be affected and nothing would change. He had been certain of it.

 

* * *

**_(102) daylight, i wake up feeling like you won’t play right_ **

 

Until that afternoon, when he bawled his eyes out like a kid after he poured out all of his underlying insecurity and she simply hugged him, comforted him…

 

…and silently promised him of giving him her all.

 

Her gray eyes were always those that hold gentleness to them. Even when she was indifferent most of the time, Oikawa remembered the slight envy when he saw her wrapping the bandage over the ankle of her teammates back then. She had always been a kind soul, that he knew all along. But for the first time, he saw that gentleness was taken to the next level –it was aimed sincerely at him, and not out of moral obligation, sense of responsibility, or even an attempt to be hold a normal humanistic value.

 

She cared. She cared for him and it was not the same way of her caring her teammate.

 

And more than anything, it scared him instead. She was no longer going to prevent him from falling deeper, because that time, Oikawa knew that Shimizu was falling just as deep as he was.

 

And when both parties fell, one could not simply save the other.

 

* * *

**_(103) and you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming_ **

 

“You eventually didn’t come to the match on the 22nd,” Iwaizumi noted just as soon after Oikawa placed his order to the waiter.

 

The Izakaya was crowded, and even in the midst of chilly December, the load of people inside made Oikawa sweated a bit. He decided to take off his coat and placed it on his lap before he replied.

 

“I really couldn’t, anyway, Iwa-chan. I’ve been on a business trip these past two weeks and including on that day,” he reasoned. “And as a matter of fact, I just got back and instead of crashing my bed I decided to drop by in Yokohama to meet you first.”

 

“Wow, I feel so special,” Iwaizumi noted tonelessly. His sake bottle came first and he twirled the bottle before he poured himself a cup. Looking at the clear liquid instead, Iwa then murmured, “…You wouldn’t have come anyway even if you had not been in the business trip, right?”

 

Oikawa did not want to give false hope to his best friend. “Yeah. I probably wouldn’t have, still.”

 

“They made it to the quarter,” Iwa reported the result. “But thereafter, they…well, lost.”

 

“Hm.”

 

“And I’m sorry,” Iwa added.

 

Oikawa looked at the black-haired man without much of an emotion reflected on his eyes. Only after the waiter came with Oikawa’s order and left that he replied, “What for?”

 

“I don’t know,” Iwa muttered and gulped his sake again. “I just thought that I should have been more…” he trailed his words.

 

Oikawa sighed and decided to aid his friend with the vocabularies. “What? Supportive? Persistent? Laid back?” Oikawa sighed and drank his drink. He put the glass back to the table. “You’ve done everything you could have done, Iwa-chan.”

 

“But –“

 

“Just as much as I have done what I could have done,” Oikawa muttered. “So… there should be no regret. I mean, it still hurts. I can’t deny that I probably will always wonder of the what could have been but…” he shrugged. “… I want to move on myself.”

 

Iwa stared at Oikawa, and the look alone probably compelled Oikawa to add some more. “And move on –not just run away this time. It’ll take more time of course, but…I’ll manage.”

 

Iwa’s shoulders slumped a bit. He did not know what kind of expression he must wear for Oikawa this time around. But if there was anything, Iwa knew that the moment he knew Oikawa, no, even _after_ he knew Oikawa (his complex attitude included), Iwa knew that Oikawa would always be the man whom he could trust on.

 

“You’ll manage,” Iwa confirmed and poured a drink for Oikawa to drink.

 

A small smile spread upon Oikawa’s face. He did not really recall what kind of conversation flowed thereafter. Or how many glasses he drank. Oikawa only half-remembered that he ended up having to borrow Iwa’s money because he had not withdrawn enough cash and the bar did not accept credit card. But judging that even his cash was not enough to pay for the drink, they must have drunk a lot. Oikawa also half-remembered that Iwa and him walked with wobbly feet and that one of them puked outside –he did not really know who, only the stench he remembered.

 

“Fuck, I’ll never drink with you again,” Iwa promised himself.

 

Oikawa laughed as they tried not to go to the dangerous road of Yokohama –still bustling in the night. “Let me know when you want to –“

 

Face flushed with alcohol, Iwa interrupted, “Didn’t you hear me? I said I don’t want to drink with you anymore.”

 

“Let me know when you want to temporarily coach the team again.”

 

Iwa straightened his posture up.

 

Oikawa brushed his palms together as he blew his breath to his freezing hands. “No promise,” he reminded. “But just let me know beforehand and I’ll try to make the time.”

 

* * *

**_(104) you’re a rebel in disguise (is that the devil in your eyes?)_ **

****

Oikawa did not go straight to Tokyo after his drinking session with Iwa. The taller boy jumped rather too excitedly and chanted ( _“Sleepover! Sleepover with Iwa-chan!”_ ) as he waited for Iwa to put on the passcode into his quaint apartment in Yokohama.

 

“There’s still time for the last train to Tokyo,” Iwa reminded again –hoping Oikawa would change his idea of crashing into his place for the night.

 

“So stingy! It’s been a while since we’ve caught up like this and had a heart-to-heart talk! Come, Iwa, show me your latest nail polish collection! We can do each other’s nails in turn!”

 

“Goddamnit, shut up, Trashykawa. I don’t have nail polish, you imbecile.”

 

“I’ll do your hair then! Or we can have pillow fight!” Oikawa exclaimed as he waited for Iwa who _still_ couldn’t get the passcode right (Oikawa was starting to get the clue on who was the most drunk one out of the two). Watching Iwa’s back as he stumbled with the lock combination, Oikawa only leaned on the railings behind him and muttered softly, “Besides, I don’t really want to go back to my apartment at Tokyo now.”

 

Iwa looked past his shoulder for a second, but then his electronic lock beeped in approval. Oikawa cheered and giddily opened the door first instead. Oikawa’s rudeness and overfriendliness were things that Iwa had been too accustomed anyway.

 

Iwaizumi could only sigh. Oikawa might have vowed to stop running away from one thing, but that clearly did not mean he was ready to stop running away from the other.

 

* * *

**_(105) a sinister romantic (oh he’s about to be, and she’s about to see)_ **

 

Oikawa had tried to make it as casual and as normal as he could. But he should have known better that Shimizu was, while reserved, not one who was insensitive towards her surrounding.

 

“Then why are you avoiding me?”

 

Damn.

 

He looked down at her. It really had been weeks since he last properly looked at her, and God, isn’t she always a vision to behold? Oikawa thought that it was really, really, unfair because Shimizu probably would never know just how much he wanted to squish her hard and cage her just with a soft exhale she emitted. Oikawa tightened his jaw because he knew he could not do it –not after the days, weeks, of strong resolve of cutting ties with her. No. He would not allow her to break it all just with an easy sigh that escaped her lips.

 

Tilting his head and spreading his lips wide into a smile, he told her. “You’re reading too much into it, Manager-chan. I really am just busy lately, or…” he smirked. “Does Manager-chan really can’t get enough of me?”

 

It was easier to be flirtatious, frivolous, flippant.

 

Except that with one Shimizu Kiyoko, Oikawa knew it was useless being all three together.

 

Understanding that this strategy would not play well, Oikawa eventually told her.

 

“Look, it’s nothing personal –” ( _yes, it is_ ) “–and nothing too complicated,” ( _yes, it kinda is_ ), and he held his breath before he forced the words to roll out completely. “But I do feel like I need to make some distance from you. You’re…making things weird lately.”

 

And as if to prove his point, Shimizu even said a weirder thing next.

 

“Because you realize that I have feelings for you now?”

 

When girls confessed to him, it was usually not like this. It usually did not make his heart wanted to burst into tiniest particle like this. And mostly, it usually did not sting as much as this.

 

Because, God, he wanted to. He wanted to pull her right into his embrace and he would not let her go. Because it filled him with the surge of blissfulness and his heart thumped so hard it made his knees trembled. Because it was precious, because Shimizu was precious, and _exactly_ because it was so precious that –

 

“Your feeling… it’s heavy, Manager-chan,” Oikawa sincerely admitted. It was so heavy and it was so important that Oikawa did not have the confidence to hold it up. He did not even have the confidence to look at her in the eyes, because knowing that the flash of pain on her gray eyes were caused by him… it deterred him already.

 

Oikawa could probably remember all the words that she said to him that night, but at the end of the day, he knew only one conclusion –that this, whatever the name of this fucking relationship was – had come to an end.

 

The soft click of her closed door confirmed it.

 

Oikawa did not move from his spot in front of their doors. It was not until his boss called him that he had been waiting for his review that he made a half-hearted effort to enter his abode and shift his mind away from Shimizu.

 

* * *

_(106) think of me and burn_

 

The best way to move on ( _run away_ ) was to distract himself.

 

The merits that Oikawa had in the office was always due to his hard work, and despite his lack of popularity among some of his envious colleagues, everyone knew that he was a hardworking person more than a genius. His boss gave a double take when he requested for more work. The longer the hours the better. More overtime to take him away from the apartment, the best. It had been that way for the past weeks until his boss just told him straight out.

 

“Sorry, Oikawa. I don’t really have new assignment to give to you as of now. And goodness, it’s Friday night. Get a life, go get laid or something.”

 

So when work failed to distract his mind, he resorted to other things. The Friday nights were the most dreadful, because of the important moments they once held. Oikawa still had it within him, of course, the natural talent to be all the Fs: flirtatious, frivolous, flippant, flamboyant, fickle, _fucked up_.

 

The girl he brought to the love hotel was the first one in weeks, no, months, probably. She was a totally gorgeous woman with soft brown hair and eyes that would twinkle when Oikawa –by chance – correctly remembered her name. He trailed kisses down her collarbone and made all the necessary foreplays. It was all good, the necessary distraction, just the perfect –

 

Oikawa pushed himself away before he could enter her.

 

“What?” the girl chortled.

 

“W-what?” he echoed, equally as confused, because _hey,_ it was all good and his mind was all ready for this, and there was a dashingly attractive naked woman on a bed in front of him, and goodness, what kind of healthy boy could do this?

 

A boy with his heart left in the dump somewhere, it seemed.

 

“I can’t do this,” he eventually said as he began to pull up his boxers and pants. “I-I’m sorry. I’ll pay the room bill, but for this, I’m sorry.”

 

“ _What?!_ Oikawa-san!” the girl protested as she tried to snatch Oikawa’s arm back, but the latter was already getting off the bed.

 

“I’m sorry!” he expressed one more time and a low bow, before he dashed out of the room.

 

* * *

**_(107) you’re just a beautiful girl (and I’m running around in circles, baby)_ **

 

And he ran. He forgot his coat and in the biting February cold, people gave a second curious glance to his lack of warm attire. He did not care. The fire in his lungs –burned from running all four blocks away – was enough to explode from within. He eventually stopped himself in front of a small convenience store to catch his breath and get a grip.

 

But when what actually tugged his heartstring was something this heavy, even his grip could not hold up.

 

“Goddamnit, this is ridiculous…” he cracked himself a laugh that did not sound sincere even in his ears.

 

* * *

**_(108) lover is crying; ‘cause the other won’t stay_ **

 

Sometimes they still met by the elevator, sometimes in front of their doors, other time in the cafeteria.

 

And every time he was the one whose posture was too straight, every time it was him who threw his glance away, every time it was him whose tongue was tied.

 

Whenever they happened to cross path, she would have no smile on her face, but no hostility in her eyes either. Whenever they met, it was always her to greet him.

 

“Good morning, Oikawa-san,” Shimizu would say –polite, composed and appropriate.

 

But there was the indifference in the air she carried, and the realization that one had definitely decided not to stray too long in the past. Oikawa knew he had no right to even feel this way, but the sting was too sharp and if he bled, that was only inevitable.

 

* * *

**_(109) only hate the road when you’re missing home_ **

 

If there was one tiny wish that he wished he could have done before, it was to call her by her first name.

 

‘Kiyoko’ was a beautiful name. He wished it had slipped out of his lips before, when he had the chance, when whispering it would not be too inappropriate, when he could say it with a smile instead of a plea that resonated deep with regret.

 

* * *

**_(110) are we taking time, or a time out? (I can’t take the in-between)_ **

 

At the end of the day, time would heal everything –Oikawa believed.

 

One needed to be patient, one needed to give it a time. All good things came to those who waited, they said.

 

And it had only been… what? 58 days since Shimizu cut it clean with him? 3 months since he last touched her skin? 8 hours since he saw her entering the PR division to discuss with his manager? 3 minutes since he last thought of her?

 

Time could heal everything, true, but only when one did not count each fucking minute waiting for it.

 

* * *

**To be Continued**

* * *

 

**Songlist:**

  1. Two is Better Than One – Boys Like Girls
  2. Stargazing – Kygo
  3. Redbone – Childish Gambino
  4. Iris – Goo Goo Dolls
  5. Oceans – Coasts
  6. Shakespeare in Love – Layla Kayliff
  7. Of the Night – Bastille
  8. Circles – Summer Skin Search Party
  9. Stay – Lisa Loeb
  10. Let Her Go – Train
  11. Cold – Maroon 5




	11. Limitless

**11\. Limitless**

* * *

 

_**(111) so promise me that we'll be the lionhearted** _

After one and a half year living in Tokyo with all the mishaps and whatnots, at 24, what Shimizu Kiyoko wanted in life was nothing extraordinary, really.

She wanted to change her carpet –the coffee stain Oikawa had left could not really disappear even after she washed it several times. She wished Yachi would get used to her new intern job in Tokyo. She hoped that this train she was on would start working again –the Karasuno folks had made their time to go to Tokyo just to throw a little surprise birthday party for Sugawara, and she, as one who had actually been living in Tokyo, just couldn't be late.

But most of all, Shimizu only wanted not to have any regret just because she was too afraid to do something.

The train speaker announced that the train would resume the journey in one minute, and as the train began to move again, Shimizu took a deep breath.

She was not going to half-ass anything again.

 

* * *

 

_**(112) hey, I was doing just fine before I met you** _

Define Oikawa in  _another_ one word, it would be lame, perhaps.

Tobio-chan bowing his head and requesting him to lend an ear? Let's ask Takeru to take a good picture of it. The wannabe colleague who tried to copy his clothing style? He would come to the office next day with an even better one (at the cost of spending a quarter of his monthly salary, but that was…okay, he supposed). Shimizu finally having the courage to confront her own feeling and express it to him? Oikawa would slam it to the ground just as hard as the ball he used to smash.

And while it was stupid and immature and useless and idiotic of him, being lame was probably still better than having things he held in his hands crumble. Everything had a limit. He knew that once one tried to grasp for more, those he had in his hands would fall. Oikawa vowed to settle with what he had.

So when Shimizu walked past him with a polite greeting, he would stand firm and turn his face away. His fist tightened inside his pockets as he made a slow chant to himself that everything would be alright, that everything would pass eventually.

But the tighter he gripped, the more he would lose. And by then, he would really not have much to hold.

 

* * *

 

_**(113) i'm sorry, summer, now goodbye** _

Sugawara's surprise party was a success –for the most part of it. Excluding the part where the party crackers were actually out by the time Sugawara actually came to his apartment (blame Tanaka and Hinata, who mistakenly blew the crackers for Daichi, Enoshita, and Yachi respectively) and the fact that only 12 people could make it, everything else was pretty smooth. Kudos for the planner, the very own fiancée of the Birthday Boy himself, who had not only tried to gather all but also requested the neighbors' permission for the little party.

And somewhere behind the festivity that night, Shimizu saw how Suga pulled his fiancée to a hidden corner behind the kitchen to lay one grateful peck on her forehead.

It surprised Shimizu the most because rather than feeling disheartened by that, the first thought that entered her mind was just how plainly adorable the stupid couple was.

Still, it was not something that she should have seen. So Shimizu made her way silently back to the living room –where all the other boys were playing the Ou-sama Game. She would have joined the commotion really (well, her definition for it? Sit on the couch and observe), but after few rounds of orders too drunk and too overboard (the worst was when Tanaka ordered Kageyama to draw a heart on Yamaguchi's butt cheek), Shimizu decided that she really needed to take a little break.

Yachi was already sleeping due to the excessive sake consumption by then, and tucked next to Hinata, Shimizu was not too worried. Shimizu smiled at Hinata first before she quietly exited Suga's apartment.

She had been leaning forward onto the railing in front of Sugawara's door when the door behind her creaked open again. The summer breeze blew onto her face just as Sugawara walked out of his own apartment and smiled at her.

"Thanks for coming, Shimizu," he said as he also took his place next to her –gazing at the empty street in front of his apartment building.

"No problem. Happy birthday again, Suga."

"Thanks!" the boy smiled so wide, his eyes were two crescents.

Shimizu smiled back, although she was not sure how appropriate this was actually. Sure, Suga and her were friends, but he was still someone's fiancée –and the very same fiancée was actually waiting inside the room. Shimizu decided that it was wise not to be alone with him at such situation. She was about to go back to the noise inside Suga's apartment when the boy suddenly spoke.

"I've told Sanae," Sugawara said –as if he could read what was on her mind. "So it's okay. And there's just something that I must say… and give to you personally anyway," he expressed, as he pulled out something from behind his back.

It was a card. Shimizu did not really need to read the content to know what card was it.

Her hands were kept steady to hold the railing and she was mildly reminded of how he had dealt with this as well approximately one year prior. That day, that day when Suga specifically took her to the station after the reunion with the Karasuno team. That day when Suga insisted that Shimizu could not hear it from anyone else. That day when Suga told her that he was getting married.

Suga must have been anxious because Shimizu still did not make any attempt to reach for the card. Sanae was still waiting inside the room. Suga had told Sanae everything, and for her to leave him alone to talk to Shimizu after all he had told his fiancé… Suga thought that there was no other woman as bighearted as her. That level of trust Sanae had for him… his fiancée might have been one troublesome young lady but there was no way he would trade her for anything in the world.

And that, in a rather bittersweet notion, included the personification of the college romance who was sitting quietly in front of him now.

"Shimizu," Sugawara began again. "I…I think we haven't made things clear before, and…" he trailed off.

"It's alright," Shimizu filled in when Sugawara failed to complete the sentence. "I think both of us already understand by now."

Sugawara wanted a closure. Shimizu wanted it too. What they once had was a story of loose ends. Neither had the courage to say the words back then, and Shimizu thought that maybe now, she could have the guts to say it. She must have it, she had to have that courage.

Especially after she witnessed herself how a certain someone bracing his biggest fear and confronting it.

At the very least, Shimizu owed him that certain courage.

There was a hesitant glance behind the small creak of the ajar door –tempted to make the move but would never allow herself to do it.

Shimizu smiled to herself. Her biggest fear and regret had been not telling Sugawara how she felt back then in college. She had wished all along that she would have the courage to do things so that she would not regret it later. But there were different types of courage. Courage did not mean that she had to blatantly put it into words; courage did not mean that she had to say words that were simply no longer necessary.

"Suga," Shimizu called his name and the boy looked up. "There's one thing that I should have said to you before."

 _If_ there were still words that she regretted not telling him any sooner, Shimizu knew that it could only be this.

"Congratulation," she said with an earnest smile as her hand reached out to take the wedding invitation.

And Shimizu thought that the dumbfounded and eventual sheepish grin on Suga's face were worth it. It was worth this closure, because suddenly, the weight of regret that she had carried all these years from college was slowly lifted.

"Thanks, Shimizu."

She shook her head and could only say one truth. "No. Thank you, Suga."

_Thank you, and goodbye._

 

* * *

 

_**(114) and all the voices just burn holes** _

"You must be awfully free lately."

Oikawa turned his face from the box of DVDs in Iwaizumi's apartment in Yokohama. The said owner had just taken the pizza delivery and had returned to his living room again. There. The default expression on Iwa-chan's face: like he was ready to give some scolding again. Oikawa did what the cycle prompted him to do whenever Iwaizumi held that kind of gaze.

"Iwa-chan! Just when I want to make some quality time with my best friend, how cruel!" he mused as he snatched the pizza box from Iwa's hands and promptly opened it. "And you ordered one with pineapples! You know I hate them!"

Iwaizumi ignored Oikawa and proceeded to get some beers from his refrigerator. He wondered until when Oikawa thought he could be fooled. Bah. It was not as if Iwaizumi did not catch Oikawa staring at the wall with that pathetic expression of his before.

The black-haired man came back to the sofa with two beers on his hand. He threw one to Oikawa –one that he caught with ease. Iwa sat on the sofa while Oikawa maintained his spot on the floor –now busy peeling off the pineapples from the pizza slice, muttering nonchalantly about things –things that must have not mattered because they stopped rolling off Oikawa's mouth once Iwaizumi asked straight to the point.

"You broke up with Shimizu-san already?"

The hesitation lasted only for a second, and Oikawa shrugged it off easily after he opened the beer can. "Nuh. I don't do relationships, Iwa-chan. You know me. Though I must admit that yes, that one _,_ whatever it is, it ends already."

"Why?"

Oikawa made a brief comment on how the pizza shop was basically a fraud for giving more pineapples than real meat before he made his actual reply. "Well why not? It's nothing serious anyway."

Iwa sighed audibly. "Trashykawa. At least say it straight to my face if you really mean it."

Oikawa obliged and turned his face to Iwa. With a shrug, Oikawa repeated, "I mean it. It's nothing serious."

"Wow. Now you can look into my eyes and dare to say that lie?"

"What's wrong with you today, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa laughed, and he hated how a tone cracked. "It really is…nothing," he quieted down after that.

Oikawa did not say a word after, even when Iwa waited for him to say it. Trying his best to suppress his temperament, Iwa then repeated his question, "Then why? If it's so important to you, why did you let it go?"

"…"

"Oi, Trashykawa –"

"It's too heavy," he eventually muttered. "Her feeling… it's too heavy."

"You don't want it?"

"I do!" he shouted. "But I can't."

"Why can't you?"

Oikawa stifled a dark chuckle. "Don't make me say it. You know me."

"Well apparently I don't really understand you at this point. Enlighten me."

Shaking his head, Oikawa only muttered, "Because I don't even believe in myself. I'm an asshole, Iwa-chan. I'm a scum. What if this is just a fleeting moment? What if I can't give her my all? I've never had a proper relationship before, Iwa-chan. And the closest thing to it, I hurt my ex as well, didn't I? And Manager-chan…" he sighed. "And Shimizu… I-I… I actually carefor her. She's just too important. I just can't do it to her."

"I don't understand."

Oikawa sighed and glared at Iwa when the latter just  _did not get it_. "What if I end up hurting her in the end?"

Iwaizumi's reply came quick and spontaneous.

"And you think you're not doing it now?"

The statement caught him off trance. Iwa thought that it was so pitiful of him. Oikawa looked like he wanted to deny it, like he wanted to say something to the contrary, but at the end of the day, he only settled for one brief sentence. "…It's better that I do it now than later."

Iwa deliberated his next words. He was not usually this patient with Oikawa (well, he could  _stand_ him –but when things got like this, he was not particularly patient). Maybe it had something to do with Oikawa looking like a totally pathetic guy that even Iwa wanted to leave him the way he was. Sometimes the best way to teach Oikawa was really to hold him by the collar and threaten to push him down the cliff.

"Fine. Whatever. Just don't complaint later."

"…"

"I mean it," Iwa shrugged as he drank his beer. "Don't complain later when one day she moves on and you realize that everything is too late. When another guy, another guy with actual  _balls,_ takes her away. Don't you darecomplain, because shit face, you bring this upon yourself."

 

* * *

 

_**(115) oh, it's the best thing that you ever had** _

Iwa did not even have the slightest sympathy when Oikawa, in turn, only looked back at him with all colors drained from his face.

And a cruel best friend he was, Iwa did not mind kicking Oikawa's ass down the pitfall when things were necessary.

"Goddamnit, Oikawa," Iwa grumbled as he literally kicked Oikawa's back. "If you are not ready for that consequence, get your ass off here and do what you should have done in the first place, dumbass."

 

* * *

 

_**(116) where's my mind? (maybe it's in the gutter; where I left my lover)** _

And even as he carried his body in a dash out of Iwaizumi's place, in all honesty, Oikawa did not even know what exactly he should have done in the first place.

There were simply too manythings that he should have done: he should have called her by her real name and not a distant nickname such as 'Manager-chan', should have hold her hand tighter, should not have run away when she had confronted him with what she felt, he should have, he should –

–call her, meet her, see her.

Now.

Oikawa barely made it for the last train and thereafter, he ran from the station back to their apartment, and not to his room where he hid himself these past few months, but to hers, and …

"Shimizu!" he called as he knocked her door. "Shimizu, it's me! Open the door," his knocks remained unanswered.

When the fourth series remained unanswered (and neighbor in Room No. 503 opened  _his_ door to glare at him), Oikawa finally fished his phone and dialed her number ( _see_? Add to the list of things he should have done that his lame self had not).

 

* * *

 

_**(117) they paved paradise and put up a parking lot** _

"Suga-chan, do you know where Shimizu-chan is?" Sanae asked her fiancée –seemingly one of the few who were not drunk that night.

Having just finished moving Narita into a more comfortable sleeping position on the floor, Suga straightened his back. "I think she and Hinata just take a little walk to help Yachi-san get some fresh air. What is it?"

The fiancée raised a phone. "She left her phone and there is a same number that's been calling her. Do you think we should answer? It seems urgent."

Suga approached Sanae to look at the caller ID on Shimizu's phone. "Who's calling –ah," he noted. Giving a small smile to his fiancée, Suga just grabbed the phone and told her. "I know this guy. Let me handle him."

 

* * *

 

_**(118) your axis on a tilt; you're guiltless and free** _

"Good evening, Oikawa-san."

Even the chilly night breeze could not beat the coldness that ran down Oikawa's spine when he heard the voice that answered Shimizu's phone.

Mr. Refreshing –whose voice was anything but refreshing to his ear.

"Ah,  _you,_ " Oikawa growled. "Why are you answering her phone? Return the phone to her. I need to –"

"No," Suga replied with a tone so cheerful that Oikawa felt like he wanted to crush his own phone. "Our precious manager doesn't deserve a guy who can't understand her worth anyway. You've had your chance, and you missed it. Now, you'd have to face the wrath of the whole team for playing with our manager's heart."

"…Is that a challenge?"

"Of course, Oikawa-san."

"Where are you?"

"As if I'm going to make it that easy."

"Fine. You'll see," Oikawa declared before he turned his phone off. Narrowing his eyes, he glanced as his phone contact book and wondered.

_Now, under what name did I save Tobio-chan's number with, eh?_

 

* * *

 

_**(119) my friends don't walk, they run** _

After a very short but effective blackmail ( _Tobio-chan~ do you happen to know your Sugawara-senpai's address in Tokyo? Oh, by the way, I saw your CV on our company's HR manager's desk. Please respond accurately in 10 seconds or I'll burn your CV first thing first Monday morning ^^_ ), Oikawa had Sugawara's address in his custody.

It took him exactly 14 minutes by taxi to reach the address, and by the time he got there, he found out that not only was there Sugawara Koushi present but also Kageyama and some other members of Karasuno VBC. And the one he wanted to see the most was nowhere in sight. He nearly wanted to send the deathly glare to Mr. Refreshing, but someone grabbed his collar and turned him.

"So, we've heard…" the bald, thug-like boy began as he loosened his knuckles. "…That this is the bastard who has dared to hurt our precious Kiyoko-san?"

Oikawa ended up having to endure one of the most humiliating interrogation he had ever experienced.

By the time the door opened again and Shimizu walked back in, Oikawa had been reduced to a piece of shit whose face was doodled with with writings which essentially meant that he was the lowest grade of scum on earth.

 

* * *

 

_**(120) and after all, you're my wonder wall** _

"What is the meaning of this, Oikawa-san?" Shimizu asked as she pulled the poor boy out of Sugawara's door (much to Tanaka and Nishinoya's protests –but Sugawara calmed them down). Shimizu really couldn't help but to wonder just how many kids she needed to take care that night: she had enough handling Yachi's first hangover and Azumane's bleeding forehead.

And now she had the most difficult kid to take care of.

"That wasn't my doing, Manager-chan!" Oikawa wailed as Shimizu dragged him out of Sugawara's apartment building. "Your awfulmembers were the one who did this to me! To my face! They really have no single –"

"Please sit down and shut up, Oikawa-san," Shimizu coldly mandated as she pointed out at a bench on the park near Suga's apartment.

He blushed and obeyed. "Yes…" he muttered automatically.

Shimizu only shook her head and took the seat next to him. She then opened the wet tissue package she had carried from Sugawara's apartment.

"Look at me," Shimizu instructed, and Oikawa could only do as much as fulfill her instruction.

He shuddered when he felt the familiar cold finger holding his chin steady as her other hand began to wipe the doodles on his face.

It was a stupid situation, and he probably had enough of a  _stupid_  expression even without the additional help of the  _stupid_  doodling by the  _stupid_  crows. Oikawa thought this was really never the way he wanted it to be. For a woman as perfect as Shimizu, he wanted this to be perfect as well. He wanted to look perfect to say the perfect thing at the perfect time in the perfect place, because  _hell,_ she worth even more than that and –

Shimizu exhaled a sigh and he already felt his entire existence shaken by the little gesture.

"You really should stop doing stupid thing like this because –"

"I love you."

And the sight of her: eyes widening behind her glasses and fingers retracted from his face,  _God,_ he did not know how he could even think to pass this blessing.

"What…" she weakly mumbled.

"I love you," he repeated, reaffirmed, and his hand found its way to hold hers. "You asked me to stop doing stupid thing? Then it was stupid of me not to say this before. So let me be a smart guy for once let me tell you that," his beg was translated through the tightening grip around her small fingers.

There was a moment where she was stunned, but it lasted only for a second, because she quickly pulled her hand off his grip and stared murderously at him. "You must be confused."

"No," Oikawa hurriedly said. The fear was crippling back – _what if she no longer feels the same? –_ and he leaned forward to her and held her face so that she would look at him properly. "No. I'm not confused. No longer. I'm in love with you and I probably always do, all these times and –"

She pushed him away. "You told me it was heavy!"

And he did not deny it. "Yes, it is," he confirmed. "It is heavy, Shimizu. Your feeling weighs so much because it holds so much value for me and, and…" he sighed and at the end could only give one plea. "Please just tell me that it's not too late…"

Shimizu stared incredulously at Oikawa. Is it? Is it too late? A part of her agreed that  _yes, you should have told me this before. You should have told me earlier so that I don't have to feel all those agonizing nights where I wished you never walked in. You should have not turned my whole feeling into a shipwreck. And how can you be so sure that this is not one of your games again?_

But another part of her only needed to look at those earnest brown eyes, and then she would remember the very first reason why she fell for Oikawa Tooru in the first place: the strong exterior built only upon years of dedication, the difficult character who would not stray away from his path once he had decided for it. Oikawa Tooru, the hardworking  _boy_ who was always too hard on himself –who made her want to embrace him always, be there for him, share his pain for him, and –

"…Are you serious about this?" she asked for one final confirmation.

He blinked for a moment, before his lips were pulled to form one confident smirk, and she just knew.

The determination.

It was all she needed to shake her fears away.

And she would not be afraid to tell him this now, because this was not a bubble that would burst, because she believed in Oikawa, and if he was serious in fighting this with her, then she would fight for it as well.

"I love you," she softly muttered as she pressed her forehead against his.

His reaction came delayed. Like, despite all he had said, he still could not believe what he was hearing. But then the realization sank in, and he just pulled her into a tight embrace and he felt the sense of completionwhen he felt her arms were wrapping him tightly as well. Oh, how he wanted things to be this way always and –

Oikawa's eyes narrowed dangerously when he realized that the bushes meters away behind Shimizu rustled ever so slightly.

"Shimizu?" he muttered briefly before he pulled himself away from her embrace. There was a mild disappointment on her face and just by looking at it he felt like his stomach was churning already. But it could wait, because the very first thing that he wanted to do right now was… "If I do this, will you promise to still be on my side?"

And before Shimizu could even question further, Oikawa quickly held her lower back and pushed her down. He laid his lips upon her and hungrily claimed the softness of her lips that he probably needed more than air at the moment. Oikawa eagerly bit her lower lip and the small gap she made was soon filled by his tongue –eager to dig in, savor her –

"O-Oikawa-san, what –" Shimizu only managed to squeak for a second before he shut her with another deep kiss. Because  _God and Demons above and under,_ the sight of her blushing furiously with eyes clouded like that and in his arms,  _his,_ so violated, so  _ravishing,_ it made him lose all control and he just wanted to, wanted to –

–drown. In the depth and weight of Shimizu Kiyoko that Oikawa only allowed himself to fall deep and deeper.

 

* * *

 

_**(121) do you hear that, love? they're playing our song** _

And Oikawa only stuck his tongue out in victory when the Crows behind the bushes exclaimed in horror.

"Oikawa, you bastard!"

 

* * *

**The End**

* * *

**Song List:**

111\. Lionhearted – Porter Robinson

112\. Closer – The Chainsmoker ft. Halsey

113\. Goodbye Summer – f(x) feat D.O

114\. Yellow Flicker Beat – Lorde

115\. High and Dry – Radiohead

116\. Bellyache – Billie Eilish

117\. Big Yellow Taxi – Counting Crows

118\. Motorcycle Drive By – Third Eye Blind

119\. Madhatter – Melanie Martinez

120\. Wonderwall – Oasis

121\. All About Us – He is We ft. Owl City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel guilty to Oikiyo because I should have ended this fic in a better way, argh, but I just truly ran out of the flows.
> 
> But anyway, thank you for giving this fic a chance. Thank you for the comments in the previous chaps, so sorry I cannot reply them all but each is precious, but thank you very, very much. 
> 
> And mostly, thanks for giving this OTP of mine a chance. I hope you can enjoy shipping Oikiyo as much as I do. If you're still willing to give me another chance, I'm still working on the closure for my other Oikiyo fic, but nevertheless, thank you all!


End file.
